Tossed Salads and Scrambled Scripts

The Secret Diary of Mario Marconi, Aged 43 1/4

2008-07-07T14:56:00.007+01:00

January 1st

Well Christmas is over and the new year is already upon us. I was given a new diary as a present from Lisa this year ( I bought her a set of weights and eyelash extensions ) She told me that I should write in my new diary as often as my hectic schedule will allow. So that generations from now people will be able to fully appreciate how much I have contributed towards today’s society. I told her it was a pity she didn’t buy it back in 2006 as I could have wrote about my appearance on Ant and Dec’s Saturday night Takeaway where I was watched by over 13 million viewers. She just laughed and told me that I could still write about it if I wanted to. She has a brilliant sense of humour my Lisa.
In the end I told her I probably wouldn’t bother, as in my opinion my appearance on Ant and Dec’s Saturday night Takeaway where I was watched by over 13 million viewers was in the past and the diary should be all about my achievements in the future. Lisa agreed, and we both decided that it was best not to mention it in case it appeared boastful. As despite my successful 20 year career in the Post Office and my recent adventures into the world of celebrity, I’m a very down to earth person, and hopefully I will be able to keep my feet on the ground for many years to come.

Updated my facebook profile and added two new friends. Applied to go on Countdown.

January 8th

Today Lisa and I spent most of the morning exercising in the garden. We had been out there just over an hour when I noticed Jack from next door watching us curiously from his kitchen window. Naturally I assumed he was impressed by my physique and fitness levels. So once we had finished I went over and I explained to him about how vital it is to exercise daily to maintain a healthy heart and mind, and how if he wanted I could provide him with a regular work out schedule to help get his body back into shape. He told me he wasn’t interested in a work out schedule, and that he had just been wondering why Lisa and I hadn’t waited until it had stopped snowing. In the end I just made him a cup of tea and gave him a signed photo, and he seemed happy enough. He just laughed and told me he would add it his collection before telling me to leave.
Bless him, Jack may be 87 but he still has a brilliant sense of humour.

Updated my facebook profile and requested to become friends with Antony McPartlin. Applied to go on Deal or no Deal.

January 15th

I thought that somebody was going to ask for my autograph today, but it turned out to be just a young girl trying to attract the attention of her friend Maria, who was standing next to me in the vegetable aisle in Tesco’s by shouting out “Maria, is that you?“ In a very loud voice. It was an easy mistake to make, especially in the hustle and bustle of a busy supermarket so I didn’t really mind. Although the two girls completely failed to see the funny side when I tried to explain to them about the case of mistaken identity, and how because I’ve appeared on the television and have quite a large fan base in the area, I had naturally assumed she had recognised me. I think they just thought I was some kind of pervert. While I freely admit that shopping in just a pair of shorts is quite unusual, especially during the height of winter, to me it’s all about comfort and convenience. In the end the two girls became so abusive that I tried to calm things down by offering them each a signed photograph. However that just seemed to make things worse and unfortunately I had to have them both removed from the store, as in my opinion they were fast becoming a danger to the health and safety of other Tesco users.

Eventually after being apologised to by the manager I was able to finish my shopping in peace. And I was amazed to discover that once again the amount of money Lisa had given me matched perfectly with the cost of the items on her shopping list. that’s 2 weeks in a row now. She’s very good at that sort of thing my Lisa.

Updated my facebook profile and requested to become friends with Declan Donnelly. Applied to go on Celebrity Family Fortunes.

January 18th

After watching Rocky 2 on DVD again last night. I woke up his morning and felt inspired to go for a bit of a jog round the neighbourhood. It was a pleasant enough run all in all, although I was a little disappointed that despite my encouragement none of the local children were willing to jog along behind me. I can only assume that children these days are more interested in playing with their Nintendo’s than following the examples of an inspirational role model.

Then, later in the day. Lisa and I had just settled down to supper while listening to the news on the local radio, when we heard a report that a large group of teenagers were brawling outside “The Cock Inn Dog” in the town centre. So Lisa made me a flask, and without a thought for my own safety I leapt into my Grand Cherokee Jeep and sped to the scene to offer my assistance. In the end though it was a completely wasted journey, as the police seemed to have everything under control by the time I arrived. However despite my disappointment the officer in charge thanked me for my vigilance before sending me on my way. He even joked that if there were any other outbreaks of violence in the area I would be the first person they would call. Bless him, he may have a thankless job but it was good to see he had managed to retain a brilliant sense of humour. Although I’m not sure how he is going to contact me as in the excitement he must have forgotten to ask for my number. Still, as Lisa said I can always drop it around the station in the morning.

Updated my facebook profile and requested to become friends with Noel Edmonds. Applied to go on The X Factor.

January 23rd

Took the dog for a walk this morning and I was pleasantly surprised to be asked for an autograph by a little old lady who was waiting at the bus stop near the tanning salon. She said she couldn’t believe she had actually met me in person and asked me when I was going to be on the telly again. I joked that I would be back on the telly as soon as Ant and Dec replied to one of my letters. She laughed and told me I had a brilliant sense of humour before asking me if I was going to be making anymore Rocky films. Bless, the poor old girl was obviously a bit confused, which probably explained why she was waiting at the bus stop in just her nightie and slippers during a thunderstorm. Still, It’s meeting fans like this that really makes my day. So I gave her a signed photo and a peppermint and carried on with my walk. She would probably tell all her friends about how she’d met me once she got home. As i would tell Lisa.

Updated my facebook profile and added 1 new friend. Applied to go on Bargain Hunt.

January 30th

Lisa and I drove down to the city centre today to do a bit of shopping. I really enjoy going into the city as it gives me an opportunity to meet and greet the public, and as Lisa is always reminding me, it‘s important not to forget the little people on the way up. After we had finished I was standing outside the public facilities while Lisa went to fetch the Grand Jeep Cherokee, when I noticed a little old man in a wheelchair waiting patiently near the side of the road for a break in the traffic. Naturally I approached him and offered to be of assistance. Unfortunately the man was deaf and dumb and although I had always assumed I would be able to understand sign language, I just couldn’t comprehend a word he was saying. So eventually I just told him in a very loud voice that he was not to worry, before wheeling him safely across to the other side. Bless, the old man was so grateful that he immediately burst into tears and began frantically waving his arms around to thank me, but I just told him there was no need before giving him a signed photo and sending him happily on his way.

Later, as Lisa and I were driving home we heard a news report about an old man going missing in the city centre. Apparently his daughter had popped in to use the public facilities and when she returned just two minutes later the man had completely disappeared. It really saddens me when I hear stories like that so I told Lisa to immediately turn the Grand Jeep Cherokee around and take me back into the city to help with the search, but Lisa told me, no. she said that I cant possibly help everyone no matter how hard I try or how good my intentions are. I suppose she’s right really. After all, there is only so much that anybody can do to help, even the likes of me.

Updated my facebook profile. Applied to become friends with David Dickinson.

BB9 Highlights, Day 23

2008-07-06T19:13:00.000+01:00

DAY 23
09.34 AM
Some of the housemates are still in bed. Luke, Mohammed and Mohammed’s hair are in the kitchen making breakfast. Mohammed is making himself six slices of toast and three burgers, while Luke is standing behind him with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner, before rushing off to tell Dale and Jennifer exactly what has been going on. Mario and Lisa are in the bathroom. Mario is inflating Lisa with a foot pump while continually winking at the camera. Mario has been inflating Lisa with a foot pump while continually winking at the camera for 17 minutes.

11.12 AM
Mikey is in the bathroom washing his penis in a cup while trimming his pubic hair with a knife and fork. Mikey has been in the bathroom trimming his pubic hair with a knife and fork for 1 hour and 8 minutes. Most of the other housemates are in the luxury bedroom discussing last nights incident. Dennis is telling everybody how proud he is of how he conducted himself during the argument, as at the end of the day he has a big heart, and how he managed to retain his dignity by spitting in Mohammed’s face for no particular reason while p1ssed out of his skull. Sylvia, Jennifer, Dale, Rebecca, Stuart and Luke, all agree with him. Telling Dennis that he has done nothing wrong, and how they hope that Rex and Mohammed are forced to leave the house for thoughtlessly provoking the incident by touching Jennifer’s painting.

1.15 PM
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Big Brother has announced that Dennis has managed to retain his dignity by being removed from the house while wearing nothing but his underpants.
As Darnell begins moving menacingly around the room shouting “ Damned right because spitting is wrong, spitting is wrong.” Sylvia and Jennifer uncontrollably burst into tears for the cameras, and begin beating the ground in frustration at the injustice of it all. While Dale, Rebecca, Stuart and Luke, nervously tell the rest of the housemates that Dennis deserved to be removed as he did a very bad thing, and how they hope that Rex and Mohammed are allowed to stay, as in their opinion they didn’t do anything whatsoever to provoke last nights incident.

2.55 PM
Some of the housemates are in the kitchen. Dale and Stuart are hiding in the walk in wardrobe after discovering that Darnell was looking for them 56 minutes ago. Sylvia and Rebecca are in the diary room discussing Alex and Dennis. Sylvia is keeping it real by telling Big Brother how pleased she is that Alex and Dennis have been removed from the house, as even though they were her best friends she felt intimidated by their constant bullying and strong arm tactics, and how because of them she was unable to allow her true personality to shine through. Big Brother asks Rebecca how she feels about Alex and Dennis being removed? Rebecca is about to answer when Sylvia interrupts and informs Big Brother that Rebecca feels exactly the same way as she does. Because Rebecca knows that it is wrong to bully and intimidate the weaker housemates and how everyone has the right to their own opinion, even the likes of her.

3.24 PM
Sylvia and Rebecca are in the garden. Sylvia is keeping it real by badgering Rebecca to get her t1ts out and go and jump in the pool. Luke, Mikey, Mario and Lisa are in the bedroom talking. Lisa is massaging Mario’s buttocks, while Mario is applauding Mikey and telling him how clever he is after watching him getting dressed in Sylvia’s clothes all by himself. Mario tells Mikey how proud he is of him, and that although he has only been under his guidance for a few short weeks, he feels confident that he is almost ready to be released back into society. Mikey thanks them both for their support during his stay the house, telling them that he feels a lot safer knowing they are around, before slipping on some of Lisa’s massage oil and smashing his head firmly against the bedroom wall. Luke, who has been watching from the doorway, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner, before rushing off to tell Sylvia and Stuart exactly what has been going on.

4.07 PM
Dale and Jennifer are in the garden mumbling. Dale is telling Jennifer that he thinks that he likes her, but feels unable to tell her that he likes her until he finds out exactly how she feels about him as he thinks that she might like Stuart too. Jennifer tells dale that although Stuart is her ideal man with a perfect body and a charismatic personality she doesn’t think that she fancies him, and that it doesn’t matter anyway as she feels unable to commit herself to a relationship with a man until she finds out exactly how he feels about her. Dale agrees with her and tells her that although he thinks he likes her, he has a girlfriend on the outside so feels unable to commit himself to a relationship with her until he finds out how she feels about him. Jennifer tells dale she knows exactly what he means and admits that she might possibly like him if he admits that he might possibly like her too. Dale tells Jennifer that he’s glad they have finally got things sorted out between them. Jennifer agrees, telling Dale that its always best to get your feelings out into the open.
Big Brother and the watching nation sigh very deeply.

5.12 PM
Some of the housemates are in the bedroom. Sylvia is keeping it real by hiding two packets of biscuits and Mikey’s cane in the walk in wardrobe. Rex, Kathreya, Mohammed and Mohammed’s hair are in the ashtray talking. Mohammed, who is smoking a cigarette while drinking a can of lager, and wearing a Basque and high heels, is complaining that there is not enough Halal meat left in the house, and how because of this he feels he is betraying his Muslim beliefs. Kathreya tells Mohammed that she knows exactly how he feels as she is already eaten her last cookie, and how her tummy is lumbling velly noisily, and that she is velly velly hungly. Rex tells him them both not to worry as he is an accomplished chef who over the years has prepared meals for thousands of different people, and how the shopping list he ordered earlier in the week will be perfectly adequate to cover the housemates varying food requirements.

5.15 PM
Rex is in the storeroom checking if there are any fruit and vegetables left behind the 17 sacks of Tarragon and Rosemary he ordered earlier in the week. Luke, who has been watching from the doorway, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Mario and Lisa exactly what has been going on.

6.10 PM
All of the housemates have been gathered together. Big Brother has instructed the housemates to give the house a thorough spring cleaning as certain health and safety issues have come to light that urgently need attending to. As Mario nods his head in agreement and the rest of the housemates start moaning and groaning. Rachel grabs her umbrella and announces that they are not to worry as a thorough spring cleaning can be jolly good fun, and begins singing a rousing version of "A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down." as she and the other housemates move around the house, singing and dancing, and watching the contents of each room magically come to life and tidy themselves away in the cupboards.

7.03 PM
Rachel is in the kitchen mopping the floor while singing a rousing version of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! when Mario, Lisa and Mikey enter from the garden. Lisa is massaging Mario’s ego as Mario tells Rachel that she needs to leave the kitchen as Mikey is hungry, and as Mikey is hungry he needs to be fed immediately as blind people are special and need to be treated differently from everybody else. Mikey thanks Mario and Lisa for their support during his stay in the house, telling them that he feels a lot safer knowing they are around. Before slipping on the recently mopped floor, flying ar$e over t1t, and banging his head firmly against the oven door. Luke, who has been watching from the garden, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Darnell and Kathreya exactly what has been going on.

7.25 PM.
Some of the housemates are in the lounge. Mohammed is in the garden eating 4 pieces of toast while combing his hair with a pitchfork. Kathreya is in the diary room talking to Big Brother. Kathreya is telling Big Brother how nice everybody is, and how nice it is to be in the house with all her very nice new friends as they are all very nice people who she likes very much. Big Brother asks Kathreya if there is anybody in the house that she doesn’t think is nice? Kathreya tells Big Brother, no, no, no, and that
although Mohammed eat too much food, Wex is too bossy and Dennis spit on Mohammed, at least he spit in a nice way, as deep down inside they are all velly nice people, who she like to love for long
time for only five American dollar.
Kathreya has been in the diary room telling Big Brother how nice everybody is for the past 1 hour and 45 minutes.

8.14 PM.
Luke and Rebecca are in the garden. Luke is mincing around the pool while screaming “She touched me on the bottom, she touched me on the bottom” after Rebecca accidentally touched Luke on the leg 17 minutes ago. Sylvia, Stuart and Dale are in the bedroom talking. Sylvia is keeping it real by vigorously massaging Stuarts muscular torso while straddling his waist in just her underwear. Sylvia is telling Stuart and Dale about how much Mohammed fancies her, and how he came onto her in the bathroom by offering her a taste of his Halal meat while he was eating a burger in the shower. Dale immediately gets lairy, and tells Sylvia and Stuart that he is off to tell Mohammed exactly what he thinks of him before storming out of the room. Sylvia then tells Stuart how offended she was by Mohammed’s comments, as she has a boyfriend in the outside world and she would never dream of betraying him by flirting with any of the housemates. Stuart agrees and tells her she has nothing to worry about as she hasn’t done anything wrong, before asking Sylvia if she wouldn’t mind removing her hand from his penis as he doesn’t feel comfortable being masturbated on national TV.

9.55 PM.
Dale is hiding in the walk in wardrobe after discovering that Darnell wanted a quiet word with him 38 minutes ago. All of the other housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Mikey is sat on the sofa picking his nose with a spoon when Davina announces that Sylvia is the second person to be evicted from the Big Brother house. As Darnell begins moving menacingly around the room shouting “Damned right, because lying is wrong, lying is wrong,“ Sylvia and Jennifer uncontrollably burst into tears for the cameras, and begin beating the ground in frustration at the injustice of it all. While Mohammed and Rex high five each other and smugly congratulate themselves on a job well done.

11.30 PM
Sylvia has been evicted from the Big Brother house. Luke, who earlier in the week nominated Sylvia, is telling everybody how staggered he is that Sylvia has been evicted as she was such a nice person and his sixth best friend in the house, and how he hopes that everybody who nominated her are proud of themselves as she didn’t deserve to go. Mario is in the diary room talking to Big Brother about last nights incident. Mario is telling Big Brother not to worry about further disagreements, as he is a people person, who in the outside world managed over 500 employees and how he is there to facilitate their needs. Mario then goes on to tell Big Brother about a potential health and safety issue in the garden, and asks Big Brother to immediately drain the pool and erect a safety barrier, as Mikey is blind, and as Mikey is blind he is in constant danger falling in and drowning himself while walking around the garden.

01.45 AM
Most of the housemates are in bed. Mikey is lying unconscious in the garden after accidentally tripping over the safety barrier and banging his head at the bottom of the pool. Luke, who has been watching from the lounge, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Rex and Mohammed exactly what has been going on.

02.12 AM
Most of the housemates are asleep. Mario and Lisa are in the bathroom. Mario is deflating Lisa by slowly squeezing the air out of her while continually winking at the camera. Mario has been deflating Lisa while continually winking at the camera for 17 minutes. Darnell, Dale and Stuart are in the lounge talking. Darnell is holding Stuart against the wall with one hand while repeatedly banging Dale’s head against the coffee table with the other, while continually shouting “Damned right, because violence is wrong, violence is wrong.” Luke, who has been watching from the kitchen, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Big Brother exactly what has been going on.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

BB8 Highlights, Day 73

2007-08-11T19:46:00.000+01:00

DAY 73
09.45am
Most of the housemates are still in bed. Carole, who late last night discovered a teaspoon with a slight blemish on the handle, is in the kitchen polishing the cutlery, while muttering under her breath. Carole has been polishing the cutlery while muttering under her breath for 1 hour and 17 minutes.

Sam and Amanda are in the bathroom talking about Brian. Earlier in the week Brian and Amanda were kissing under a blanket in the caravan. Sam is asking Amanda if Brian is a good kisser? and whether he tried to use his tongue during the kiss? Amanda and Sam look at each other in disgust and make an EURGHHH!!!! sound before giggling very loudly. Amanda then tells Sam that Brian wouldn`t do such a thing, as he is a very nice boy, and that tongue kissing is for dirty people. Sam then tells Amanda that she has heard that lots of boys kiss using their tongues, as it can be very romantic. Sam and Amanda look at each other in disgust again, before once more making an EURGHHH!!!! sound and pretending to be sick in on the floor. After pretending to be sick Sam starts to look confused, and tells Amanda, that as Big Brother has now made them one housemate, does that mean that they are both going out with Brian at the same time. Amanda tells Sam she doesn`t know, and suggests that they both go and ask Big Brother, Sam agrees, before taking hold of Amanda`s hand, and skipping away playfully to the diary room.

11.15am
Most of the housemates are in the garden. Tracey is in the caravan. Proper Avin it, and keeping it real, by having a nice cup of tea and a slice of cake with the Crowman.

Jonty is in the diary room, crouching behind the diary room chair, speaking in his Munkety Tunkety voice, while Munkety Tunkety talks to Big Brother. Munkety Tunkety is telling Big Brother how he is thinking about leaving the house. Because although he cares for Jonty very much, he came onto the show to be his own person, and he feels that by being so close to Jonty, he is alienating himself from the rest of the housemates. As whenever he and Jonty are engaged in a conversation with someone, Jonty will invariably embarrass them both by laughing at inappropriate moments, and behaving in a childlike manner. Big Brother advises Munkety Tunkety to talk things over with Jonty, before making a final decision about leaving. Jonty, who is now speaking in his own voice, agrees with Big Brother, and tells Munkety Tunkety that from now on he will try to act more like an adult, before burping very loudly, breaking wind, and then rolling around on the floor while giggling like a schoolboy.

1.54pm
Some of the housemates are in the lounge. Amy and Liam are in the bedroom talking about Carole. Earlier in the week, Amy, Kara Louise and Jonty were shown the nominations, during which Carole nominated Amy because she felt she was a bit of a slapper, who would quite willingly go to any lengths to further her career. Amy is naked apart from her panties, and is walking around the room continually jiggling her enormous breasts up and down in front of the Liam`s face, while telling him that she still can`t believe Carole would say such things. As since she arrived all she has ever tried to be is herself. Liam agrees with Amy, before asking her if he can have a quick squeeze of her t1ts like? Amy takes Liam`s hands and places them on her breasts while telling him that despite what Carole said. She is not a slapper, and there are definitely some lengths she will not go to just to further her career as a glamour model. Before licking her finger and popping it in and out of his mouth, while staring seductively into his eyes.
Liam, and the writer of this spoiler have each had an erection for 14 minutes.

3.10pm
Sam and Amanda are splashing around in the pool. Liam, Brian, Ziggy and Tracey are in the smoking area talking about sex. Liam tells them that the first time he had sex was when he was 12 years old, and that although he didn`t really understand what was happening, it was still a canny experience like, and he really enjoyed it.
Ziggy then tells them that he lost his virginity at 15, and how it was, you know, an incredibly tender and wonderful experience for them both, and that he really cared about her, and how he cried at least 4 times after she left.
Tracey then tells them that the first time she was Proper Aving it, was at the age of 31, after plying the local down and out with alcohol and dragging him reluctantly back to her caravan. She then tells them that despite her expectations, it was a truly awful, stomach churning experience, and that she didn`t enjoy it very much either.
Liam, Ziggy and Tacey then ask Brian when he lost his virginity? Brian starts laughing nervously while staring at Amanda and tells them that he hopes it will be soon. Before calling them a bunch of doughnuts, telling them to shut up, and running away to hide in the bedroom.

4.55pm
Kara Louise is sitting on her own in the kitchen, giggling nervously while playing with her hair, and is not quite sure what to do with herself.

Sam, Amanda and Carole are in the bedroom talking. Earlier in the day Big Brother informed the twins that as they are now classed as one housemate, both of them have to attend any future dates with Brian. As both Sam and Amanda have a date with Brian this evening, Carole is explaining to them about the birds and the bees. Carole tells Sam and Amanda that when two people love each other very much. They will often try to enjoy intimate knowledge of each other when they are alone. Amanda and Sam tell Carole that they don`t know what she means? So Carole explains to them that when a man and woman are on a date, the man will often try touch their lumpy bits, before attempting to insert his penis into their special secret place. Amanda and Sam look at each other in disgust, and make an EURGHHH!!!! sound, before giggling very loudly. Carole then tells them that if Brian tries to do that, they must insist he wears a condom on his penis, because if Brian manages to find his way inside their special secret places, they may both end up expecting a baby. Sam and Amanda look at each other in disgust again, before once more making an EURGHHH!!!! sound, and pretending to be sick in on the floor. Sam and Amanda then tell Carole that now she is being silly, as everyone knows you can`t get pregnant the first time, and besides there isn`t even a stork living in the house. Before taking each others hand, and skipping away playfully to the garden.

7.55pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Jonty, Munkety Tunkety and Gerry are in the garden talking about the effects of homosexuality on Greek culture during the 9th century, specifically between the years of 842ad and 848ad. While Gerry believes the effects of homosexuality on Greek culture during the 9th century, specifically between the years of 842ad and 848ad, was in fact, not very good. Jonty firmly believes that homosexuality had the opposite effect, and actually enhanced the countries cultural status during that period. Especially during the year 847ad when the cultural status of Greece hit an all time high. Gerry Disagrees and is about to make a very interesting point to back up his argument, when Jonty suddenly burps very loudly, breaks wind, and then begins rolling around on the floor while giggling like a schoolboy. Gerry tells Jonty that he is absolutely disgusting, and asks him how they are supposed to have a serious conversation when he insists on acting so immaturely. Jonty then begins speaking in his Munkety Tunkety voice, and tells himself that he is a complete embarrassment, and how he is going to speak to Big Brother again about leaving. Before Jonty stretches his Munkety Tunkety arm out in front of him and marches off to the diary room, with Jonty following close behind, while pretending that he really doesn`t want to go.
Gerry who is watching begins shaking his head, and tells his monkey that Jonty is an idiot, before stroking his monkeys belly and asking him what he would like for tea?

9.25pm
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge as Davina announces that Amy is the next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house. While Liam begins to console her, Amy becomes so upset that she immediately removes all of her clothes and begins jiggling her enormous breasts up and down in front of the camera. Amy tells Liam that she is going to miss him, and that despite what people said, she has only ever tried to be herself while in the house, and that she wasn`t after his money, or using him as a stepping stone to further her career as a glamour model. Liam nods his head, before asking Amy if he can have one last squeeze of her t1ts before she leaves, as he thinks she has a canny pair of knockers on her like. Amy agrees, before taking Liam`s hands and placing them on her enormous breasts, while staring seductively into his eyes. As Tracey and Carole walk out of the room while shaking their heads in disgust. Brian, Ziggy, Jonty, and Tonkety Wonkety, all begin to form an orderly queue behind Liam, while slowly rubbing their hands together.

12.34am
Amy has been evicted from the Big Brother house. Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Kara Louise is sitting on her own in the kitchen, giggling nervously and playing with her hair, while looking completely lost.
Carole who early yesterday morning spotted a dead fly in the pool. Is in the garden removing the water with a bucket. Before refilling the bucket in the bathtub, and sieving the water back into the pool, while muttering under her breath. Carole has been refilling the pool, while muttering under her breath for 1 hours and 24 minutes.

02.45am
Amanda, Sam and Brian are in the caravan with a blanket over their heads. Amanda, and Sam are telling Brian that they have had a very nice date, but they really have to go bed soon, otherwise they will wake up all grumpy in the morning. Brian tells Amanda and Sam that they can`t go to bed yet because they haven`t given him a kiss goodnight. Amanda and Sam make an EURGHHH!!!! sound before giggling very loudly, and tell Brian that he can have one kiss from each of them on the cheek. Brian then asks Amanda and Sam if they would like to say hello to his python before they go to bed? Amanda and Sam start clapping excitedly, and tell Brian that they didn`t know you were allowed to bring pets into the house, but that they would very much like to meet his python, and would they be allowed to give it a quick stroke? Brian starts laughing, and tells Amanda and Sam to shut up, before quickly undoing his zipper.

02.58am
Amanda and Sam are running around the garden making an EURGHHH!!! sound while giggling very loudly and telling Brian that he is a very rude boy. Brian is standing at the caravan door, with his erection hanging out of his trousers, laughing very loudly and telling Amanda and Sam that they are a right couple of doughnuts and to get back inside. Amanda and Sam tell Brian no way are they going back inside until he puts his python away, before giggling very loudly and pretending to throw up in the bushes.
Amanda and Sam have been running around the garden and pretending to throw up in the bushes for 12 1/2 minutes.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

BB8Highlights, Day 59

2007-07-28T18:47:00.000+01:00

DAY 59
08.32am
Most of the housemates are asleep. Ziggy and Chanelle are in bed together. Chanelle is naked and vigorously riding up and down on top of Ziggy, while Ziggy is continually asking her who is the daddy? Chanelle informs him that he is the daddy, before telling Ziggy that she really hopes that the cameras cant see them, as the footage of her having sex, live on national television, would be rather embarrassing for her watching family and friends. Ziggy tells Chanelle that they are not doing anything wrong, and she has no reason to worry about shaming herself, as Big Brother has no interest in their relationship, and the cameras are actually focusing on the rest of the housemates sleeping in their beds. Chanelle thanks him for putting her mind at rest, before once again riding him like Lester Piggot.

10.55am
Some of the housemates are in the caravan. Tracey is in the garden, proper Aving it, and keeping it real, by crawling on her hands and knees in the smoking area, searching for a dimp.

Gerry, and the twins are lying in bed discussing Carole, who has been busy cleaning the lounge for 1 hour and 45 minutes. Gerry tells the twins that Carole does too much work around the house, and she should really ask Charley to contribute more, as it isn’t fair to expect everybody else to do it. Amanda tells Gerry that Charley is clearly Carole’s favourite, as she continually got away with doing no work at all during her stay in the house, while people like her, Sam and Gerry are expected to do everything. Gerry agrees with her, and is telling them that just because they spend most of the day in bed, it doesn’t mean they are lazy, when Carole enters from the lounge.
Carole asks the Gerry, Sam, and Amanda if one of them would like to help wash the dishes, as she needs to clean the bathroom, and wash and dry everybody’s clothes in readiness for tonight eviction. Gerry and the twins tell Carole that they would really love to help but they are far too busy right now, before pulling the bedclothes over their heads and pretending to be asleep by snoring very loudly.
Carole sighs very deeply and re-enters the lounge.

12.54pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Charley and Brian are in the bedroom arguing about which one of them is the stupidest. Charley tells Brian that she is the stupidest as despite all the evidence to the contrary she firmly believes she is very popular in the outside world. Brian tells charley that she doesn’t know what she is talking about, because he is so stupid, he thought Shakespeare was something a tribesman did when he became annoyed. Charley picks up a glass of water and is about to throw it at Brian, when Sam enters from the lounge and asks them what they would like for lunch today? Scrambled egg on toast, or some cereal? Charley and Brian inform Sam that scrambled egg on toast would be very enjoyable, before once again, continuing their argument after Sam has returned to the lounge

2.10pm
Liam and the twins are laughing and joking in the pool. Liam is throwing the twins up in the air and them catching them, while sliding them slowly up and down his body, in an innocent and playful manner. Liam has had an erection for 23 minutes.

Ziggy and Chanelle are in the bathroom. Ziggy is in sitting on the floor in the shower, asking Chanelle if he is the daddy? While Chanelle is leaning across Ziggy with her head in his lap, nodding up and down enthusiastically. Chanelle pauses momentarily and tells Ziggy that she really hopes the cameras aren’t watching, as she would hate to degrade herself while on national television. Ziggy tells Chanelle that she has no need to worry, as the Big Brother cameras cannot see through the shower room door, and that he would never ask her to do anything that would embarrass her in front of her family and friends. Chanelle thanks him for putting her mind at rest, before once again putting her head in his lap, and enthusiastically agreeing with everything he says.

4.34pm
Charley and Tracey are in the caravan talking about tonight’s eviction. Charley is telling Tracey that she still cant believe she has been nominated, as she never lies, and she is far and away the most popular housemate in the history of Big Brother. Tracey tells Charley that it could possibly be because she has been arguing so much with the rest of the house during her stay. Charley tells Tracey that she hasn’t argued with anybody, apart from Chanelle, Ziggy, Liam, Brian, Gerry, the twins, Carole, Nicky, Laura, Billi, Jonathon, Emily, Lesley, Seany, Shabnam, Davina, Big Brother, 14 of the cameramen, and the driver of the car that delivered her to the Big Brother house. Tracey tells Charley that whichever one of them leaves, she is glad that she and Charley are friends, and that she hopes they stay in touch once they have both been evicted. Charley tells Tracey, that she isn’t being funny; but that she wouldn’t be seen dead with somebody like her in the outside world. Before giving Tracey a hug and asking her if she would like to come outside for a cigarette, and a friendly gossip.

5.15pm
Most of the housemates are in the garden. Gerry is in the diary room talking to Big Brother about the possibility of introducing some new housemates. Gerry tells Big Brother that he has become so sexually frustrated during his time in the house that he is actually beginning to find Carole attractive. Big Brother asks Gerry what kind of housemates he would like to see introduced. Gerry jokingly tells Big Brother that he has become so desperate for sex, that he would quite willingly settle for a weird Scottish bisexual wearing a skirt, or even an overweight, balding middle aged virgin, who’s buttocks he could spank on a nightly basis.
Big Brother tells Gerry they will consider his request and get back to him.

6.01pm
Some of the housemates are in the bedroom. Liam is lay on his bed, while Sam and Amanda are giving him a massage whilst wearing their bikinis. Liam has had an erection for 4 minutes. Liam has just turned over, and is tickling the twins in an innocent and playful manner, when Carole enters from the lounge. Carole asks Liam and the twins if one of them would like to help prepare the meal. As she still wants to vacuum the bedroom, and scrub out the bath in readiness for tonight's eviction. Liam and the twins tell Carole that would love to help only they are very busy right now. Before yawning very loudly, stretching their arms, telling Carole they are all tuckered out and quickly climbing under the covers.
Carole sighs very deeply before re-entering the lounge.

6.55pm
Most of the housemates are in the garden. Ziggy and Chanelle are in the caravan. Chanelle is naked and hanging from the caravan ceiling, while Ziggy is standing in front of her, holding her buttocks, moving her up and down, and continually asking her who is the daddy? Chanelle tells Ziggy that he is the daddy, before asking him if he is sure the cameras cant see them? As she doesn’t wish to gain herself a reputation of being easy, once she leaves the Big Brother house. Ziggy assures Chanelle that her reputation is perfectly safe, as nobody can see them, but tells her he will close the blinds on the window, just to be on the safe side. Chanelle thanks Ziggy for being so considerate, before once again wrapping her ankles around his back, and screaming like a Banshee.

7.23pm
Most of the housemates are getting dressed. Charley and Brian are in the bathroom arguing about Emily. Charley tells Brian that despite what she said to her, Emily was a very nice person, with a really gorgeous ar$e. Brian tells Charley that he doesn’t care how gorgeous her ar$e was, because he still wouldn’t like to have her as a friend due to her racist comment. Charley calls Brian an ar$ehole, before leaping on him and grappling him to the floor. Charley and Brian are rolling around the floor, with their hands around each other’s throats, when Sam enters and asks them both if they would like a nice cup of tea once they are finished? Charley and Brian tell Sam that a cup of tea would be lovely, before once again resuming their fight once Sam has left.

9.22pm
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge, and are seated on the sofa’s chanting GET CHARLEY OUT. When Davina announces that Charley is the sixth person to be evicted, and Big Brothers ratings immediately drop by 30%. Charley leaps up and begins telling everyone, that she isn’t lying, and that she really isn’t bovvered about leaving, because she knows how popular she is in the outside world, and that she is going to make a million pounds anyway. While the rest of the housemates, lead by Chanelle. Form a conga line and begin dancing around the house.

10.40pm
Charley has left the Big Brother house. To help counteract the 30% drop in ratings, Big Brother has locked the remaining housemates in the bedroom. While 5 new potential housemates enter the halfway house next door.

David Parnaby. A 25-year-old Scottish pagan bisexual
Shanessa O Reilly. A 27 year old, very strangely shaped woman from Cardiff.
Kara Louise Horne. A 22-year-old smiley woman from Harrow, who looks nothing like Mariah Carey.
Jonty Stern. A 36-year-old virgin from London, who likes to speak fluent Yiddish, while spanking his teddy.
Amy Alexandra. A 21-year-old shelf stacker, who likes to get naked in front of the cameras.

Big Brother once again gathers the housemates in the lounge, before calling David to the diary room, and telling him that he will be spending a trial period in the main house. Chanelle, the twins, and Gerry instantly begin leaping around the room in orgasmic delight, as Ziggy watches suspiciously from the sofa. While everyone is hugging David and telling him how pleased they are to see him, Carole collapses on the floor with exhaustion, and asks if anybody can help her as she is feeling absolutely shattered. While everyone is ignoring Carole and pretending she isn’t there. David approaches and tells Carole that he would love to help, but he has had a very long day, and is feeling very tired himself. Before yawning very loudly, and pretending to fall asleep on the sofa.
Carole sighs very deeply, before immediately passing out.

3.14am
Most of the housemates are asleep. Gerry is in the lounge pretending he is talking to the Australian housemates, and telling them how happy he is that Charley has been evicted, and that there are some new people in the house, before asking the Australian housemates if they would like to speak to his monkey.

Ziggy and Chanelle are in the diary room. Chanelle is naked and bent over the diary room chair while Ziggy is taking her furiously from behind, and asking her who is the daddy? Chanelle tells Ziggy that he is the daddy, and asks him if he is sure that Big Brother has gone to bed, as she cant help feeling like she is being watched, and she would hate to humiliate herself while on national television. Ziggy assures Chanelle that they are perfectly safe, as even Big Brother has to go to sleep at some time, but tells her that he will close the diary room door just to be on the safe side. Chanelle thanks Ziggy for putting her mind at rest before dropping to her knees in front of him. Ziggy is about to reach orgasm when Sam enters and asks them both if they would like a nice cup of cocoa when they have finished whatever it is they are doing. Chanelle tells Sam that a cup of cocoa would go down a treat, before once again resuming her ministrations.
Big Brother has had an erection for 24 minutes.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

BB8 Highlights, day 38

2007-07-07T20:48:00.000+01:00

THE DIRECTORS CUT

DAY 38
09.15am
Most of the housemates are still in bed. Brian is in the garden giggling hysterically and talking to himself about Sam and Amanda. Brian has had an erection for most of the morning. Brian is asking himself which one of the twins he is the most attracted to. Brian admits that while he quite fancies Amanda, Sam is also very attractive, and because of this he finds it very difficult to choose between them. Brian then tells himself that it doesn’t really matter, as both Sam and Amanda much prefer Liam anyway. Brian then starts laughing and tells himself to behave, before asking himself to leave, as he wishes to be alone with his thought.

10.15am
Some of the housemates are in the kitchen. Ziggy and Chanelle are in the bedroom having a conversation about an argument they had the previous night. Chanelle tells Ziggy that she is pleased they have made up, as today will probably be her final day in the Big Brother house. Ziggy tells Chanelle that the only reason they argued was because she continually wants to talk about things that he told her he doesn’t want to talk about, such as smoking, Charley, and what life will be like together in the outside world. Chanelle tells Ziggy that all she had done was ask him if he was going into the garden for a cigarette. Ziggy tells Chanelle that she is doing it again, and to please stop bringing up the subject, as he doesn’t want to talk about anymore. Before pacing up and down the bedroom with his head in his hands, muttering under his breath. Chanelle looks gormlessly at Ziggy for a few seconds before apologising and promising never to mention it again.

11.15am
Gerry, Charley and the twins are in the lounge. Gerry and his teddy are on the fish phone. Talking to Gerry’s mother about how life in the house would send him completely insane, if he wasn’t able to ring her every day to tell her his troubles. Charley and Carole are in the kitchen talking. Charley is asking Carole if she can have the sweets back, that she asked Carole to hide for her earlier in the week. Carole tells Charley that she cant have them back, and that if she wanted the sweets she shouldn’t have asked her to hide them in the first place. Charley tells her that she asked her to hide them as they were hers, and she didn’t want the rest of the housemates to eat them. Carole tells her to f$$king have them then, before bursting into tears, pulling the sweets out of her pocket and throwing them on the floor in disgust. Charley tell Carole that there is no need to get upset because she wasn’t lying, before going on to tell Carole about the time she enjoyed a torrid threesome with Bugs Bunny and Elmo Fudd

12.45pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Laura is in the bathroom lay on the floor, struggling for breath after trying to go for a poo 24 minutes ago. The twins are in the bedroom. Sitting on their bed facing each other, while applying their make up, and wondering why their reflections are not moving in an identical manner.

1.34pm
Tracey, Laura and Liam are in the garden talking about Nicky. Tracey and Laura are asking Liam whether he is interested in Nicky, as it is obvious to everyone that despite what she says, she is obviously very attracted to him. Liam tells them that while he thinks Nicky is a very nice girl, she is just a little too possessive for his tastes, and how he isn’t really interested in anything more than friendship. Nicky who has been listening from behind a bush, stands up and tells Liam that she isn’t possessive at all, and she doesn’t want to be his friend as she actually thinks he is a lecherous pervert. Before dragging Tracey and Laura into the house, and threatening to rip their faces off if they ever speak to him again.

2.54pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Ziggy and Chanelle are in the caravan talking about an argument they had earlier in the day, while discussing the argument they had the previous night. Ziggy tells Chanelle that he doesn’t want to argue anymore, and the only reason they do so is because she keeps bringing up subjects he doesn’t want to talk about, and how he is certain things will be different once they are together in the outside world. Chanelle agrees, and tells him that once they are outside they will be both be a lot more relaxed about their relationship. Ziggy tells Chanelle that she is doing it again, and to please stop bringing up the subject, as he doesn’t want to talk about anymore. Before pacing up and down the caravan with his head in his hands, muttering under his breath. Chanelle looks gormlessly at Ziggy for a few seconds before apologising and promising never to mention it again

4.42pm
Brian, Gerry and the twins are in the bedroom talking. Brian is telling Gerry and the twins about the art of self-hypnosis, and how all they have to do is close their eyes, count slowly to ten, and take themselves to a happy place in their minds. The twins tell Brian that they are already in a happy place, before skipping playfully into the garden and chasing each other around the pool. Once Gerry is under hypnosis. Brian tells him that when he wakes up, he will no longer want to talk about boring stuff, such as philosophy and museums, and the book he is writing about how to chat up girls. Gerry agrees, before waking up and telling Brian about his homosexual lifestyle and the 2 thousand men he has recently slept with. Brian sighs and immediately starts counting to ten, before putting himself into a trance.

5.45pm
Most of the housemates are in the garden. Tracey is proper Aving it, and keeping it real by moving into the caravan and pretending she is back living in a car park. Liam is in the diary room talking about Nicky. Liam is telling Big Brother that at first he liked Nicky, but he has now realised she is completely obsessed with him, and how she frequently follows him around the house when he wants to be alone. Nicky who has been hiding behind the diary room chair, stands up and tells Liam that far from being obsessed with him she finds him completely repugnant, and that the only reason she follows him around the house is because they happen to be going to the same places at exactly the same time. Before calling Liam a lecherous pervert, throwing open the diary room and storming off into the lounge.

6.50pm
Charley and Carole are in the bedroom. Carole is on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor while Charley is putting on her 3rd outfit of the day. Charley is telling Carole about how popular she will be in the outside world, because she is far and away the most beautiful and entertaining housemate. Carole tells Charley, that if she is so popular, why was she booed on her way into the house, and during every eviction night so far. Charley tells Carole that in much the same way as her cousin Kieran Richardson at Manchester United. Charley is booed because she is so talented, and because all of her fans are jealous of her success. Charley then tells Carole that she isn’t lying, before going onto to tell her about the time she was spit roasted by Alex Ferguson and Christiano Ronaldo in the Old Trafford dressing rooms.

7.34pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Ziggy and Chanelle are in the bedroom getting ready for tonight’s eviction. Ziggy has his fingers crossed behind his back, and is telling Chanelle that he really hopes she stays, and that if she does stay, he really hopes they can stop all the pointless bickering, and get back to how they were during their first few weeks together in the house. Chanelle agrees, and promises to never mention cigarettes, Charley, or their life together outside the house ever again, as long as it means they don’t have any more arguments. Ziggy tells Chanelle that she is doing it again, and to please stop bringing it up, as he doesn’t want to talk about anymore. Before pacing up and down the bedroom with his head in his hands, muttering under his breath.

9.25pm
All of the housemates are gathered in the lounge, when Davina announces that Laura is the next housemate to be evicted. Laura is pretending to be pleased, while everybody else is pretending to be upset. Chanelle is in shock, and starts hugging Ziggy while telling him how pleased she is that they are going to be spending at least another week together. Ziggy tells her he is pleased too, before excusing himself and entering the bedroom. Where he immediately throws himself to the floor, and begins beating the ground in frustration.

10.20pm
Laura has been evicted. All of the housemates are in the lounge. When Pauline, an actress pretending to be a contestant in the Australian Big Brother house appears on the Big Screen. Brian starts telling the others how he was watching the Australian version of Big Brother before the show started, and how he recognized her straight away. Liam and Ziggy mention how attractive she is, and are stared at by Nicky and Chanelle, who both immediately storm off into the bedroom, and begin telling telling each other about what a bitch Pauline is.

11.37pm
Most of the housemates are in bed. Gerry and his teddy are in the lounge, talking to Gerry`s mother on the fish phone, and asking her to tell them a bedtime story as hearing the sound of her voice is the only thing keeping him from going insane. Ziggy is in the garden. Frantically pacing up and down while shaking his head and muttering the words “why me” over and over again.

02.30pm
Most of the housemates are asleep. Nicky is sitting on the end of Liam`s bed, frantically rocking backwards and forwards while holding a meat cleaver.

Big Brother immediately calls Nicky to the diary room.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

You`re so vain!

2007-06-30T18:32:00.000+01:00

So another week of Big Brother finally comes to an end. A week that started off badly for the wannabees, with yet another failed task. Though to be fair, how anybody could have expected the housemates to stay awake for 60 hours is completely beyond belief. Especially with Rip Van Laura, rallying the troops into giving up, and going back to bed, only moments after the task instructions had been delivered.

I mean 60 hours! Come on Big brother, what on earth were you thinking? Laura needs that many hours sleep every day! The poor girl complains of sleep deprivation, when she is asked to get out of bed once a week for the nominations.

Lets be honest, if it wasn’t for her regular forays to the fridge, scavenging for food, like an angry Welsh Grizzly stocking up for hibernation, Laura would rarely be seen vertical.

Then at last, after row upon row, the week finally finished on a high, with this series very first double eviction. Yes, Billi and his nose have finally gone. A man so vain he remains the only person in Britain to have his sunglasses mirrored on the inside.

I can't really say I'm sorry to see the back of Billi. There was just something not quite right about the man.

Maybe it was his technique of slithering, half naked around the house, like a cross between Gollum and Pinocchio, whispering into peoples ears about what a bitch Charley was? Or maybe it was the lizard like way, he could go for hours without ever blinking, and when he did it was usually sideways. Somehow the word "creepy" just doesn`t do Billi justice.

Still, at least now he has been evicted he can rest assured that his modeling career will finally take off. I hear Vicks Nasal Spray are already thinking of making him their new pin up boy.

The only downside I can see to Billi`s eviction is that charley will no longer have anybody decent to row with. Billi may have been the most effeminate straight man in the history of Big Brother, but at least he had balls, even if they were scented and shaven into the shape of a love heart, and he always gave as good as he got with Charley.

Who on earth will she be able to argue with now?

Ziggy and Chanelle would appear to be the two most likely candidates. Though neither of them are any match for Charley once she gets up a full head of steam. To be fair Ziggy has been making more of an effort to stand up for himself recently. Though once Charley enters full ranting mode, Ziggy usually just stares at her completely bewildered. Like a startled, floppy haired lamb, caught in the headlights of a fast moving truck, waiting for itself to get slaughtered.

To begin with I didn’t really like Charley very much, but rather like Nikki last year, the person who I found the most annoying during the first week has actually grown to become my favourite housemate.

True, much like Nikki last year, if I ever met the girl in person I would be sorely tempted to hit her repeatedly around the head with a large house brick, while telling her to shut the f$$k up! But there is no denying that as far as value for money goes; there is nobody else in the house that even comes close.

It’s no wonder Big Brother are doing everything in their power to keep her in, if Charley were to be evicted what would we have left to entertain us during the rest of the summer?

Carole, and her ever-increasing towel, and Jonathon fixations?

Jerry, and his creepy homosexual anecdotes, while stroking his little bear in full view of the cameras?

The non-existent love affairs, between Ziggy and Chanelle, and Liam and Nicky?

Tracey, the walking talking doll?

I am convinced somebody just pulls Tracey`s cord every morning, and points her in the direction of the smoking area, while she continually spouts a series of pre programmed catchphrases, like “Proper avin it!” “Just deal with it man!” and “Has anybody seen my hair straighteners?”

No, if Charley were to leave, all that would be left to entertain us, would be The Twins and Brian’s erections.

I do actually like Brian. He may be so stupid that even Jade Goody accuses him of being a thick tw$t, but at least he appears to be genuine. Unless of course you were to ask him about his age?

19 years old? Who on earth does he think he's fooling? There is about as much chance of Brian being 19 than there is of Laura being crowned the Welsh slimmer of the year, or of Tree Surgeon Liam showing Nicky his wood, and asking her to perform a delicate operation.

But aside from that blatant lie, Brian’s honesty should see him go far. I don’t think I could imagine Jonathon or Liam, or Gerry or Ziggy, waking up in the morning and announcing to the rest of the house that they had just wet the bed.

Not that you could really blame Brian for his little accident. Forced to spend a night in a caravan with Charley, not only would I have wet the bed, I would have probably emptied my bowels as well.

Which leaves us with Sam and Amanda, the psychopathetic, all singing, all dancing twins. Was anybody actually surprised to see them pass the telepathy task? Surely if two people share the same brain cell they are bound to know what each other are thinking?

I do like the twins, and for purely personal reasons I really do hope they make it to the final week. After all it’s a lot easier to fantasise about people when you are watching them on the television every night. I have even composed them a couple of little songs, just in case they actually win Big Brother, and wish to thank me in person for my undying support.
They go something like this,

We're the Twins,
We're very rich,
We want to make a Frasier sandwich!

Or how about?

we`re the Twins,
And we`re simple,
We want to play with Frasiers winkle!

Ahem! I’ll get my coat!

Charley Snubs Kieran Shocker!

2007-06-28T18:02:00.000+01:00

SEETHING big brother star Charley Uchea, will snub her cousin Kieran Richardson when she eventually leaves the Big Brother house, it was revealed yesterday..

The former lap dancing, loud mouthed, pretend prostitute, told how she and her family had been left totally ashamed by the way Kieran has been playing over the last 12 months, and how she feels let down after Kieran confessed they were related in a national newspaper, and how he fully intends to put in an appearance, and offer to sign autographs during her eviction night from the big brother house.

Kieran 22, Has become one of Manchester united`s most popular hate figures thanks to his pathetic displays on the pitch, and constantly claiming to be a footballer despite possessing neither pace, talent or elementary ball control.
And Charley is furious that he has been using her name too boost his popularity. By claiming he often goes partying with Charley, and how has even bedded some of her friends.

"Kieran is just a complete embarrassment –" she revealed during the late night chat with her fellow housemates, "every time I have been to old Trafford during the last 12 months. There he is, lumbering down the wing, giving away possession or tripping over his own feet. I have no idea what united were thinking giveing him a contract in the first place. The sooner he’s evicted from Old Trafford and everybody forgets about him the better," she said.

Then the big brother star went on to confess how her and her family had been left completely humiliated by Kieran`s recent performances for England. "He’s nothing but a fame hungry talentless t0sser," she said, before bursting into tears and hiding her face in shame.

BB8 Highlights, day 24

2007-06-28T15:43:00.000+01:00

THE DIRECTORS CUT

DAY 24
09.34am
Most of the housemates are in bed. Charley is in the diary room talking to Big Brother. Yesterday Laura and Seany played a practical joke on Charley by putting a small piece of damp toilet paper in the bottom of her boot. Charley is telling Big Brother how since entering the house, she feels she has become the victim of a sinister campaign of bullying. She is also telling Big Brother how she hopes the British public will rally behind her, and show their support, much as they did earlier in the year with Shilpa Shetty. Charley then promises Big Brother that she isn’t lying, before telling them about the time she enjoyed a torrid threesome with David Beckham and Bernard Manning, while working as a voluntary charity worker in Africa.

Big Brother immediately begins chanting GET CHARLEY OUT!

11.15am
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Chanelle, Ziggy, Billi, and Billi’s nose are in the bedroom talking. Chanelle is lay on her bed wearing a bikini, while Billi is straddling her back tenderly massaging her shoulders. Ziggy is telling Chanelle that although he isn’t jealous. He really feels they ought to consider putting their relationship on hold, as he doesn’t wish to be humiliated, or made to look like a fool while appearing on national television. Chanelle tells Ziggy he has no reason to feel jealous as she and Billi are just friends and there is nothing going on between them. Before slipping her bikini bottoms off, and asking Billi if he wouldn’t mind massaging her buttocks, as she is feeling particularly tense today.

12.45pm
All of the housemates are in the lounge talking. As its eviction night, and there are still eight hours until the public votes are counted. Seany is telling his fellow housemates, and the watching cameras, about what a fun person he is to be around, and how the sound of laughter has filled the house ever since he arrived. He then tells them that he really hopes he isn’t evicted, and promises to be even more entertaining over the next few weeks if given the opportunity to stay. Charley and Chanelle, who both voted for Seany, immediately rush to console him, and begin telling him that they can’t believe he has even been nominated, as he has brought so much enjoyment to the house. Before uncontrollably bursting into tears, hugging Seany, and calling the rest of the housemates a bunch of two faced, lying back stabbers, who ought to be ashamed of themselves.

2.34pm
Some of the housemates are in the garden. Sam and Amanda are chasing each other around the pool, while making up a jolly social services song about taking children into care. Nicky and Jonathon are in the bathroom. Nicky is in the shower gently sponging herself down, while Jonathon, is outside breathing heavily with his hands and face pressed against the shower door. Nicky asks Jonathon if he wouldn’t mind leaving her alone, and giving her some privacy as she is trying to have a wash. Jonathon tells Nicky that he isn’t a pervert, he was just trying to make her lower her defences as he finds her an incredibly interesting person to talk to, before demanding an apology from Nicky, pulling his trousers back up, and storming into the bedroom.

4.44pm
Some of the housemates are in the lounge. Carole is in the diary room seeing a psychologist after Liam accidentally used her towel to wipe his hands with earlier in the day. Tracey, charley and Liam are in the garden talking. Tracey is keeping it real and making herself presentable, by smoking a phat roll up and dragging herself backwards through a bush. Charley is telling Liam that she is really glad he was given the money, as he is a really genuine guy, and she didn’t want it anyway. Liam thanks her, before bursting into tears and telling her that he can't believe how nice everybody is, as he really doesn’t deserve it. Charley then warns Liam to be on his guard. As there are certain people in the house who would go to any lengths to get hold of his money, before pulling down her top, thrusting her breasts in his face, and asking Liam whether he thinks she has better nipples than Nicky.

5.30pm
All of the housemates have been locked in the bedroom. D J Sunset, one of last year’s golden ticket winners. Has clambered over the garden wall, still clutching his ticket, and is banging on the lounge room window demanding to be let into the house. As he still believes he would have made a more interesting housemate than Susie. Big Brother sighs very deeply, and tells D J sunset that if he promises to leave quietly they will consider granting him an audience with Dermot O’Leary, so he can tell him what a successful gambler he is. D J Sunset agrees and is eventually dragged off the premises by two burly security guards.Big Brother seriously considers calling in the men in white coats.

6.34pm
Laura is in the bedroom, sweating profusely and struggling for breath, after thinking about getting up 1 hour and 15 minutes ago. Ziggy, Chanelle, Billi, and Billi’s nose are in the lounge talking. Chanelle and Billi are in the bath sponging each other down, while Ziggy is watching them suspiciously from the sofa. Ziggy tells Chanelle that despite what people think he isn’t jealous, he just believes that age gap could be a problem between them at a later date. Chanelle tells Ziggy that he has no reason to be jealous. As she and Billi are just friends, and there is nothing going on between them, before asking Billi if he would like to play a game of park the submarine in the underwater sea port.

7.02pm
Brian is in the garden, laughing at nothing in particular, and praying to the cosmos. Brian has just finished praying to the cosmos, when the twins come running out of the house, wearing tiny bikinis and ask Brian if he would like to play with them both in the pool? Brian immediately puts his hands together and thanks the cosmos, before stripping down to his thong, and jumping quickly into the water.

7.54pm
Some of the housemates are in the lounge. Carole is in the diary room, pulling her hair out, and suffering a nervous breakdown, after Liam inadvertently used her to towel to wipe his face with earlier in the afternoon. Seany, Laura, Gerry and Charley are in the bedroom. A few moments ago Seany and Laura played a practical joke on Gerry by rolling a condom over his head while he was sleeping, and are now watching while Gerry staggers around the bedroom nearly suffocating to death. Charley, who earlier in the day complained to Big Brother after finding a damp tissue in her boot, is now laughing hysterically, and telling Gerry to lighten up and stop taking everything so seriously, as it really was just a bit of harmless fun.

8.02pm
Gerry is in the diary room complaining to Big Brother that his head smells of condom lube. Nicky and Jonathon are in the garden. Nicky is sunbathing and Jonathon is watching her from the other side of the garden. Nicky asks Jonathon if he wouldn’t mind turning the other way, as she can feel his eyes undressing her, and is it beginning to make her feel slightly uncomfortable. Jonathon tells Nicky that he isn’t a pervert. He was just sitting in the garden thinking about how much money he has, before demanding an apology, putting his erection back in his Speedos, and asking Nicky if he can borrow a tissue?

10.05pm
Seany has been evicted from the Big Brother house. Chanelle and Charley who earlier in the week nominated Seany, are sobbing hysterically, and telling everybody that they cant believe he has really gone. Laura, who has been trying to muster up the energy to get dressed for 5 hours and 45 minutes, enters from the bedroom still wearing her pyjamas, and asks everybody where Seany has gone. After discovering her friend has been evicted, Laura bursts into tears, before collapsing on the sofa, and asking somebody if they can get her a cake as her sugar levels are becoming dangerously low.

12.05am
Some of the housemates are in the lounge. Ziggy, Chanelle, Billi, and Billi’s nose are in the bedroom talking. Chanelle is naked on her bed, being taken vigorously from behind by Billi, while Ziggy is watching suspiciously from across the room. Ziggy tells Chanelle that he has been a complete idiot, and that he has finally realised that her and Billi are just good friends after all, and that there is nothing going on between them. Chanelle asks Ziggy if they can talk about it in the morning, as she is fairly busy right now, before biting down hard on her pillow to stifle her moans. Ziggy agrees, and promises to be more trusting in the future, before kissing her goodnight, and climbing into bed beside them.

02.34am
Carole is the lounge, frantically rocking backwards and forwards while watching her towel drying on the rack. When Nicky enters from the bedroom and asks Carole if she has seen a pair of her panties that she lost earlier in the day. Carole, who has been watching her towel dry for 2 hours and 16 minutes, leaps out of her chair and grabs Nicky by the throat, while telling her that she hasn’t seen her panties, and that if she even thinks about touching her towel she will rip her god damn face off, and take a sh1t down her f$$king throat!

Big Brother immediately calls Carole back to the diary room

02.36am
Most of the housemates are in bed asleep. Jonathon is in the bathroom, sitting naked on the toilet, with a pair of Nicky’s panties over his face, while masturbating furiously into his sock. Jonathon has been masturbating furiously into his sock for 1 hour and 5 minutes, when Nicky enters from the bedroom and begins to scream.

Big Brother immediately calls Jonathon to the diary room.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

BB8 Highlights, day 17

2007-06-28T15:36:00.000+01:00

THE DIRECTORS CUT

DAY 17
09.34am
Most of the housemates are in the bedroom. Nicky and Carole are in the kitchen talking. Carole is on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor, while Nicky is telling her how she hates the way the rest of the other housemates perceive her, as a constantly moaning, self indulgent, short tempered, control freak. When in reality, she is actually a fun person to be around, with an incredibly gifted sense of humour. Carole advises Nicky, that if she was to relax a bit more, and to stop taking everything so seriously, then her true personality would be given the chance to shine through. Nicky tells Carole that she hasn’t got a clue what she is talking about, and when she wants her opinion she will ask for it. Before calling her an interfering b1tch, telling her to get on with the cleaning, stamping her feet, then storming off in a mood to the diary room.

10.35am
Sam, Amanda, Ziggy and Chanelle are in the bedroom. Sam and Amanda are giggling hysterically while bouncing up and down on their bed, after realizing they have accidentally got dressed in each other’s clothes. Ziggy and Chanelle are in bed together talking. Ziggy tells Chanelle that as its eviction night, they really need to think about moving their romance on to a next level, to ensure they receive enough airtime during the following nights, highlights show. Chanelle agrees, but is uncertain how far to go, as she doesn’t wish to humiliate herself, while her friends and family are watching. Ziggy tells her not to worry as she can trust him, and he would never do anything to embarrass her on national television, before pulling out his erection, and rubbing himself frantically to orgasm against her leg.

11.55am
Seany is in the bathroom, showing his extrovert side by wearing a hat. Shabnam and Charley are in the lounge talking. Charley is flicking her hair, and gazing adoringly in to the cameras, while Shabnam is practicing her eviction dance routine in front of the mirrors. Shabnam has been practicing her eviction dance routine for 3 hours and 54 minutes. Charley is telling Shabnam about how all the other housemates are treating them as outcasts, because they are both beautiful and popular, and how they are destined for stardom in the outside world. Shabnam agrees with her totally. Before crossing her fingers behind her back, and telling Charley that she really doesn’t give a sh1t, because they are both truthful and honest, and they never lie about anything. Charley agrees with her. Before crossing her fingers behind her back, and telling Shabnam about the time she enjoyed a torrid foursome, with Fred, Daphne and Wilma in the back of the Scooby van.

2.34pm
Tracey, Carole and Laura are in the garden. Tracey is proper Aving it, and keeping it real, by smoking a phat roll up, and combing her hair with a hedgehog. Laura and Carole are struggling for breath, after changing into their bikinis an hour ago, and then collapsing by the pool. Laura is telling Carole about how hungry she is, after Nicky would only allow her to eat 8 cakes for breakfast. Carole tells her she knows exactly how she feels, as she was only allowed to eat 12 pieces of toast. Laura tells Carole that Nicky is turning into a complete control freak, and how something must be done before it’s too late. Carole agrees with her completely, before struggling to her feet, and telling Laura that she has to go, as Nicky has instructed her to thoroughly clean the bathroom before teatime.

3.56pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Sam and Amanda are in the garden, pointing and staring open mouthed, while uttering the word "amazing!" at a plane that is passing overhead. Gerry and Seany are in the bedroom talking. Seany is showing his flamboyant nature by wearing another hat, as they gaze into each others eyes. Seany and Gerry have each had an erection for 4 1/2 minutes. Seany is telling Gerry how he is only attracted to straight looking gay men, as he has only recently come out, and camp men remind him too much of his sexuality. Gerry tells him he doesn’t fancy him anyway, he just finds him an extremely interesting person to talk to, and how he feels they have a lot to learn from each other during their time together in the house. Seany agrees with Gerry, before tickling him on the chest, telling him he’s it, then chasing each other around the bedroom in their underpants, while giggling like a pair of schoolgirls.

5.07pm
Nicky is in the diary room, telling Big Brother about what a fun person she is to be around, and how she just has trouble relaxing in the house, and allowing her true personality to shine through. Big Brother advises Nicky that if she were to share a few of the household duties she would have lots more free time, giving herself ample opportunity to demonstrate her carefree nature to the rest of her housemates. Nicky tells Big Brother that when she wants their opinion she will ask for it, before calling them a bunch of interfering b1tches, throwing a pork pie at the camera, and demanding to be released from the diary room.

6.15pm
Tracey, Charley and Shabnam are in the bedroom. Tracey is proper Aving it, and keeping it real, by lying on her bed, picking fleas out of her hair, while telling Charley and Shabnam that she’s Tracey, deal with it. As its eviction night, Shabnam is trying on her 53rd eviction outfit, while crossing her fingers behind her back, and telling Charley that she really doesn’t give a sh1t about leaving, as she has achieved what she came in the house to do. Charley agrees with her, before crossing her fingers behind her back and apologizing for accusing her of stealing her bananas, and promising to stay in touch once they are back in the outside world.

7.15pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Sam and Amanda have just run into the house after noticing their reflections in one of the garden mirrors, and are jumping up and down excitedly, while they tell everyone they have spotted another set of twins living in the house next door. Ziggy and Chanelle are in the bathroom. As its eviction night Ziggy and Chanelle are in the shower, moving their relationship forward by sponging each other down with hot soapy water, while frantically french kissing. Ziggy and three of the cameramen have each had an erection for 14 minutes.

7.55pm
Nicky, Carole and Tracey are in the kitchen talking. Nicky is preparing a meal while asking Tracey if she thinks she is a fun person to be around, as she doesn’t want the rest of the house to view her a constantly moaning, self indulgent, short tempered, control freak. Tracey tells Nicky, that it really doesn’t matter because it’s all gravy man, you just got to deal with it. Nicky tells Tracey that it isn’t gravy, it’s a pan of soup, and how Tracey hasnt got a clue what she’s talking about. Before calling her an interfering b1tch, throwing the pan of soup on the floor, telling Carole to mop it up, and then storming into the garden for a cigarette.

8.40pm
Charley, and Laura are in the garden talking. Laura is beached by the pool, struggling to breathe, after foolishly trying to get up 45 minutes ago. Charley is telling Laura about how she never tells lies, before inhaling sharply, crossing her fingers behind her back, and then launching into a non stop monologue about what a beautiful and popular person she is the outside world. After listening to Charley talk about herself for 15 minutes. Laura decides enough is enough, before once again struggling to move. Laura has just about given up hope, when 4 members of save the whale, climb over the garden wall, remove Charley`s batteries, and drag Laura safely back into the water.

9.10pm
Billi has entered the Big Brother house. Billi is a successful 25-year-old wrestling fan from Middlesex. With a passion for watching nearly naked, oiled up men, grappling with each other in a ring. Billi, is apparently straight. Most of the housemates have gathered around Billi and are jumping up and down excitedly. Ziggy is watching him suspiciously from the sofa.

9.15pm
Liam has entered the Big Brother house. Liam is a 22 year old, ladies man from Durham. Most of the housemates have gathered around Liam and are jumping up and down excitedly. Ziggy is watching him suspiciously from the sofa, while Laura is in the bedroom, trembling and covering up her thighs, after discovering Liam is a tree surgeon, and enjoys nothing more than chopping up thick wooden trunks.

9.20pm
Brian has entered the Big brother house. Most of the housemates have gathered around Brian and are jumping up and down excitedly. Ziggy is watching him suspiciously from the sofa. After being introduced to each of the housemates. Brian writes down the names of the twins on his hand, and immediately starts praying to the cosmos.

9.25pm
Jonathon has entered the Big Brother house. Carole has gathered around him, and is wobbling up and down excitedly. The rest of the housemates are watching him suspiciously from the sofa. Carole asks Jonathon what he does for a living, and Jonathon explains to her that he is a multi millionaire. Then watches as the rest of the housemates immediately gather around him and start jumping up and down excitedly.

10.05pm
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Davina announces that Shabnam is the first housemate to be evicted. Shabnam is crossing her fingers while telling everybody that she really doesn’t give a sh1t, as it was her time to leave, and promising to stay in touch with them all in the future. All of the housemates are crossing their fingers, while hugging Shabnam, and telling her how much they are going to miss her.

10.35pm
Shabnam EVENTUALLY leaves the Big Brother house. Nicky is in the diary room, telling Big Brother that with the arrival of the new housemates she is worried about how they will be able to divide up what little is left of the food, as there is barely enough to go around. Before asking Big Brother if she can put in a request for a ballpoint pen.

03.30am
Most of the housemates are in bed. Charley is trapped in the garden, after inadvertently passing between the cross section of four mirrors, and is unable to tear herself away. Nicky is in the kitchen, carefully writing her name on each individual cornflake. Nicky has been writing her name on each individual cornflake for 3 hours and 23 minutes.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

BB8 Highlights, day 10

2007-06-28T15:27:00.000+01:00

THE DIRECTORS CUT

DAY 10
08.53am
Most of the housemates are still in bed. Charley and Nikki are in the kitchen talking. Charley is telling Nikki about the time she attended a party with frank Lampard, George best, and prince Philip, when Chanelle enters from the bedroom. Charley asks Chanelle if she wants to join them in the garden as they are going for a cigarette? Chanelle says she would love to but it’s looking a bit black outside. Charley and Nikki recoil in horror and tell her that they can’t believe she just said that. Chanelle tells them she was simply commenting on the state of the weather, and can they both stop talking about it, as she doesn’t want to get into trouble. Charley tells Chanelle she really ought to be careful what she says in the future, but agrees that its no big deal, and promises never to bring up the subject ever again.

08.54am
Charley is in the bedroom talking with Shabnam and Laura, about the comment made by Chanelle a few moments ago, before telling them its no big deal and changing into a new outfit. Just in case there is a media helicopter circling overhead later on. Tracey enters from the bathroom looking slightly confused, and asks them what the white roll of tissue paper is standing next to the cistern. Shabnam explains that it is called toilet paper and people use it to wipe their bottoms with. Tracey starts waving her arms around frantically and tells them, that she doesn’t wear make up, she doesn’t wash regularly, and she doesn’t wipe her ar$e. She’s Tracey. Deal with it! Before keeping it real, by grabbing her pouch of tobacco and storming out of the room.

11.04am
Most of the housemates are in the garden consoling a tearful Charley about the comment made earlier by Chanelle. Carole and Laura are sunbathing by the pool. Sam and Amanda are playing in the lounge, giggling excitedly and jumping up and down on the sofa, when Lesley enters from the bedroom. Lesley tells the twins in a firm authoritarian voice, that Big Brother has informed her the sofa belongs to her, and she alone is allowed to use it, and that if they want to play the jumping game they are to go outside immediately. Sam and Amanda apologise for their behaviour, start clapping their hands, run out into the garden, before carrying on their game, by jumping up and down on Carole and Laura.

12.05pm
Ziggy and Chanelle are lying in bed stroking each others hair. Chanelle tells Ziggy that she is worried about what their families, and the viewers will think of them sharing a bed together, as she doesn’t wish to ruin her reputation in the outside world. Ziggy tells her that she can trust him, and she has no need to be concerned. As they both respect each other too much to embarrass themselves and their loved ones by indulging in sexual activity on national television. Chanelle agrees, before asking Ziggy, if he wouldn’t mind removing his other hand from her breast and putting on some underwear.

2.30pm
Shabnam and Nikki are in the kitchen talking. Earlier in the week Shabnam had her clothes and make up confiscated by big brother, as a punishment for Ziggy and Emily discussing nominations. Nikki is doing a stock take of the food, while Shabnam is telling her how having her make up removed really doesn’t concern her. As she is naturally beautiful, and back home she was easily the most famous person living in her street. Nikki politely nods her head, before noticing that a tomato and piece of beetroot have gone missing from the kitchen. Nikki immediately storms off to organise a house meeting, and search of the premises, to try and discover who has been taking food without her permission.

2.45pm
Shabnam is in the bathroom rubbing a piece of beetroot against her cheeks, and applying tomato juice to her lips. Lesley is in the diary room telling big brother for the 9th consecutive day that she has had enough and wishes to leave the house immediately. Big Brother informs Lesley that if she wants to leave she should just go and offers to bring her suitcase to the diary room. Lesley tells Big Brother that she will sleep on it once again, and make her final decision in the morning.

4.15pm
Tracey is in the garden. Proper aving it, and keeping it real, by smoking a roll up and frightening away the birds. Carole the freedom fighting, equality for all, self proclaimed chairperson of the womens liberation army, is in the bathroom on her hands and knees trying to remove a particularly stubborn skid mark from the bottom of the pan, while Chanelle and Laura are supervising and asking her what time she will be finished as they want her to wash their clothes, and finish making their beds.

5.30pm
Charley and the twins are in the garden. The twins are playing horses and chasing each other around the pool. While Charley is telling them about the time she had dinner with Ryan Giggs, David Beckham, Mr T, and the Dalai Lama. Charley has just begun telling them about the comment made earlier by Chanelle, and how it really didn’t bother her when Lesley appears from the lounge. Lesley puts her fingers on her lips to signify silence, before telling the twins in a firm authoritarian voice, that they can play outside for 5 more minutes, then they have to come inside and have a bath before dinner. The twins start pulling faces, and telling her it`s not fair, before running away and trying to hide in the bushes.

6.23pm
Laura is in bed struggling for breath, after foolishly trying to get dressed earlier in the afternoon. Most of the other housemates are in the lounge. Lesley, Sam and Amanda are in the bath area. Lesley is washing the twins hair, while the twins sponge each other down with hot soapy water. Ziggy and the 7 of the cameramen, have each had an erection for 14 minutes.

7.50pm
Nikki is the diary room. Nikki is telling Big Brother that earlier in the day a tomato and a piece of beetroot went missing from the kitchen area. Nikki is asking whether she can have access to the CCTV coverage of the house between 11pm last night and 2.30pm this afternoon, as she wishes to review it and discover whom the culprit was. Big Brother tuens down her request. Nikki informs Big Brother that due to their decision she will be forced to take drastic action, before storming out of the diary room, and chaining herself to the fridge, and singing we shall not be moved at the top of her voice.

8.02pm
Chanelle and Ziggy are in bed together French kissing. Chanelle once again expresses her concern about how this will look to their parents in the outside world. Ziggy reassures her that that they haven’t done anything wrong, they are just friends and housemates who happen to share the same bed. Chanelle agrees, before asking him to put his erection back in his pants, and to stop tweaking her nipples. Ziggy tells Chanelle that he is more concerned about how sharing a house full of women will affect his masculinity. Chanelle assures him he has nothing to worry about, as he is all man, and then asks him if he wouldn’t mind returning her hair straighteners and coconut oil shampoo that he borrowed earlier in the day. Ziggy tells Chanelle that he hasn’t finished with them yet, before calling her a selfish, self-centred b1tch, and flouncing off to the bathroom.

9.00pm
Lesley, Sam and Amanda are in the bedroom. The twins are in bed while Lesley is reading them a bedtime story. Lesley is telling them a fairytale about two beautiful princesses called Sam and Amanda, who were locked in a tower by their evil Big Brother, who was jealous of their beauty. Until one day, the dashing prince Davina came along to rescue them, and they all lived happily ever after. The twins thank her for the nice story as Lesley tucks them in and kisses them goodnight. Lesley is about to turn off the light when the bedroom door opens and the twins start screaming hysterically, and shouting that the bogeyman has come to get them. Lesley tells them not to be so silly, as its just Tracey, keeping it real by going to the bathroom.

9.50pm
Shabnam, Charley and Laura are in the lounge. Shabnam is exuding an inner star quality. while continually flicking her hair and gazing adoringly into the mirrors. Laura is eating a cake. Charley is telling them about the time she attended a ball with, John Terry, Eric Cantona, Mick Hucknall, and ET, when Lesley enters from the diary room. Lesley informs Laura that Big Brother has just told her the cake belongs to her, and that nobody is to eat it apart from herself, or Laura will be punished by having her clothes and make up removed, as well as being denied access to the bathroom for the rest of her stay. Laura thinks about it for a second before finishing eating the cake.

10.35pm
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Charley is telling Chanelle how the comment she made earlier that morning really didn’t bother her, before bursting into tears and being consoled by the rest of the housemates. Charley says that even though the comment was unintentional it probably means that her face will be on the front page of every newspaper, before rushing into the bedroom to change her outfit for the fifth time that day.

10.45pm
Gerry has just entered the Big Brother house. Most of the other housemates are screaming hysterically, and creaming their knickers, before realizing he is gay and moving back to the sofa. Ziggy is eyeing him suspiciously from across the room.

10.50pm
Seany has just entered the Big Brother house. Most of the other housemates are screaming hysterically, and creaming their knickers, before realizing he is gay and moving back to the sofa. Ziggy is eyeing him suspiciously from across the room.

10.55pm
Charley is telling Gerry and Seany about the comment made earlier by Chanelle, and how she is really isn’t bothered by it, when they are both called to the diary room. Big Brother informs Gerry and Seany that next week, they, and two other housemates of their choosing will each be doing the nominating. Gerry starts screaming about how fabulous it all is while continually touching Seany on the leg. Seany tells him he hates iffeminate gay people before punching him in the face, and kneeing him in the testicles. Big Brother asks them both to leave the diary room immediately.

04.23am
Most of the housemates are in bed. Sam and Amanda are in the bathroom, staring into the mirror looking confused. Trying to figure out which one of them is which. Back in the bedroom, Lesley is telling Seany that Big Brother has informed her that she is in charge of the house, and if he doesn’t do what he’s told he will be severely punished over the coming weeks. Seany tells Lesley he hates old people, before whipping away her duvet and head butting her repeatedly in the face.

05.30am
Most of the housemates are asleep. Carole the freedom fighting, equality for all, self-proclaimed chairperson of the womens liberation army, has finished cleaning the house, and is in the garden on her hands on knees scrubbing the gussets of the rest of the housemates underwear. Nikki is in the lounge hiding behind the bath staking out the kitchen area. Nikki has been staking out the kitchen area for 3 hours and 14 minutes, when Carole enters to change the water in her bucket. Nikki who has been watching her suspiciously, screams like a ninja, before running across the room, pouncing on Carole and forcing her to the floor in a headlock, before accusing her of being a sneaky thieving b1tch, and asking her where she has hidden the tomato and beetroot.

Big Brother immediately calls Nikki to the diary room.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

BB7 Highlights, day 65

2007-06-28T13:59:00.000+01:00

THE DIRECTORS CUT

DAY 65
09.24am
Most of the housemates are still in bed. Yesterday, Jayne broke big brother rules for the 36th time, when she produced a mobile phone from her buttock crevice, and spent 45 minutes voting on this week’s eviction. As a punishment, big brother announced to the rest of the housemates that should she stay, Jayne would once again receive immunity from next week’s eviction. Susie and Richard are in the kitchen discussing the earlier punishments. Susie confesses that during the food rationing, she became so desperate that she almost considered making a cup of tea with a used teabag. Richard comforts Susie while wearing a big hat.

09:55am
Some of the housemates are in the kitchen. Pete is in the garden punching himself in the face whilst using a selection of kitchen utensils as a drum kit. Aisleyne and spiral are in the bedroom talking. Spiral tells aisleyne that during the night, he looked under her duvet and noticed she was sleeping in some very revealing underwear, spiral tells aisleyne how she is disrespecting herself. Aisleyne disagrees, and as soon as the camera moves in her direction uncontrollably bursts into tears. Spiral becomes agitated and tells her she is nothing more than a pr1ck tease, before kicking the bedroom door open and storming off to the diary room.

11.30am
Susie is in the kitchen making bread and drinking a cup of tea. Jennie and Glyn come running in from the lounge, and ask Susie if they can go and play cowboys and Indians in the garden until their dinner is ready. Susie says that’s fine, but they are not to eat any more sweets, as they will ruin their appetites. Jennie and Glyn run out into the garden and start chasing each other around the pool.

12.10pm
Mikey is talking with Imogen by the pool while giving her a platonic massage. Mikey has had an erection for 14 minutes. Mikey tells Imogen its ok to give her a platonic massage as they are just friends, and no matter how it looks to everyone else, they both know there is nothing going on between them. Imogen agrees with him "you’re so right babes" she says. Mikey tells Imogen he really cant believe he has made it so far, as he feels most of the other housemates are a lot more deserving than him. Imogen asks him what he’s talking about as he has only massaged as far as her thighs. Mikey tells her he meant in the big brother house. Imogen apologises telling him she is feeling a bit brain dead today. Big brother considers turning off the machine.

12.54pm
Jayne, Mikey, Michael and Richard are in the bedroom talking. Richard has been stroking Michael’s pussy for 17 minutes. Jayne is giving the housemates an update on the recent storylines in coronation street and eastenders, and telling Mikey about how England were once again knocked out of the world cup at the quarter final stage during a tense penalty shoot out.

Big brother immediately calls Jayne to the diary room.

2.30pm
Aisleyne is in the bathroom taking a cold shower. Spiral, who has been standing on the sink watching her for 7 minutes apologises for his earlier outburst in the bedroom. Aisleyne accepts his apology and asks him if he wouldn’t mind waiting outside while she dries herself. Spiral loses his temper telling aisleyne she is nothing more than a pr1ck tease, and how she is disrespecting herself by washing her genitalia live on national television. Aisleyne bursts into tears as spiral kicks the bathroom door open and storms off into the garden.

3.15pm
Most of the housemates are in the garden. Pete has been playing the drums for 5 hours and 20 minutes. As Pete is a very strong contender to win this years big brother and nobody wants to upset him. The rest of the housemates are forcing themselves to smile, and through gritted teeth, are continually telling Pete to carry on playing as his constant banging is really brightening their day.

5.30pm
Richard and Michael are in the bedroom talking about Michael’s sexuality. Richard tells Michael he has nothing to be ashamed off, as being gay no longer carries the stigma that it once did. Michael tells Richard he is very proud he just doesn’t need Richard constantly ramming his sexuality down his throat. Richard tells him he should be so lucky. Michael loses his temper and tells Richard there is nothing wrong with trying to retain his masculinity, before mincing off to the bathroom to paint his nails in readiness for tonight’s eviction.

6.01pm
Aisleyne is in the diary room wearing a thong. The cameraman has had an erection for 8 minutes. Aisleyne is telling big brother about how lonely she feels in the house, and how as the only remaining black woman she can’t help feeling segregated from the others housemates. Big brother points out that she has no need to feel this way, as she is in fact white. Aisleyne breaks into her Jamaican accent and tells big brother they better know themselves before they start dissing this fly girl, before bursting into tears, leaving the diary room and asking spiral if he can give her a hug.

6.39pm
Glyn and Jennie are in the garden making mud pies. Glyn asks Jennie how long the mud pies will take to make, as he is feeling very very hungry. Jennie tells him you cannot eat mud pies they are just for playing with. Glyn looks gormlessly at her for a few moments before telling Jennie he may ask big brother for a fishing rod later, to see if he can catch anything in the pool as he is feeling very very hungry, Jennie tells him there are no fish in the pool, just water. Glyn looks gormlessly at her for a few moments before pulling her pigtails and running away laughing. Susie enters the garden and calls them both inside for their tea.

6.40pm
Mikey and Imogen are in the bedroom platonically french kissing while they fondle each other’s buttocks. Mikey has had an erection for 3 minutes. Mikey tells Imogen it is ok to platonically french kiss and fondle each others buttocks, as they are just friends and no matter how it looks to everyone else, they both know there is nothing going on between them, imogen agrees with him "you’re so right babes" she says between moans.

7.30pm
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Yesterday Jayne broke big brother rules for the 43rd time when she clambered over the garden wall. Took a taxi down to tesco`s, and returned 40 minutes later carrying 12 bottles of wine. A copy of the daily star and 24 chocolate éclairs. As a punishment for her constant rule breaking. Big brother informs Jayne that they will be confiscating her mobile phone with immediate effect.

8.02pm
Most of the housemates are in the garden. Spiral and Pete are in the bedroom talking. As they are talking spiral is sitting on aisleyne bed while he goes through her underwear drawer. Pete feels he should say something, but instead, he hides under his duvet and starts to giggle nervously. While spiral parades around the bedroom wearing one of Aisleyne`s thongs complaining about how revealing it is. Aisleyne enters and asks him why is he wearing her underwear? Spiral tells her she is nothing but a pr1ck tease before kicking the bedroom door open and storming off to the diary room.

9.26pm
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Pete tells the others he is thinking about leaving, as he misses Nikki and it isn’t the same without her. Jayne tells him he would be foolish to leave as he is very popular in the outside world and he has been the favourite to win since day one. She also tells him he is very popular in the house as he is yet to receive a single nomination from his fellow housemates.Davina announces that Jayne is the next person to be evicted. The rest of the housemates start cheering and exchanging high fives, as they leap around the room in orgasmic delight. Susie stands in the background before asking Jayne if she would like a nice cup of tea.

10.25pm
Jayne has been evicted from the big brother house. For a party big brother has provided the housemates with 12 bottles of wine and 24 chocolate éclairs. Michael and Glyn are in the kitchen discussing religion. Michael tells glyn about the church of Michael, and how he believes that every living creature is possessed by the spirit of the almighty, and how each individual creates his own church and set of religious guidelines that must be adhered to if they are to receive spiritual purity and eventually gain entry to the kingdom of heaven.Glyn looks gormlessly at him for a few seconds before telling Michael that back home he goes to church every week, as in his village; the church doubles up as the local youth club.

01.05am
Some of the housemates are in bed. Michael and Richard are in the bathroom discussing Michael’s sexuality. Richard tells Michael he likes her as a person but she really needs to stop taking herself so seriously. Michael loses his temper telling Richard that he is a man, and asking him to please stop calling him her as he wishes to retain his masculinity. Michael then tells Richard he doesn’t wish to discuss it any further as he needs to shave his legs and apply his face pack before going to bed.

02.30am
Most of the housemates are in bed. Mikey and Imogen are in bed together talking, while Mikey platonically takes imogen slowly from behind. Mikey tells imogen it is ok to platonically take her from behind as they are just friends, and no matter how it looks to everyone else, they both know there is nothing going on between them, Imogen agrees with him "you’re so right babes" she says while biting her pillow.

02.31am
Most of the housemates are asleep. Spiral is in the garden, staggering about as he drinks from a nearly empty bottle of wine. Spiral notices the hedge shaped like a man and asks him why he is looking at him in a funny way. When the hedge shaped like a man refuses to answer, spiral accuses it of disrespecting him, before smashing his wine bottle on the table, leaping on the hedge shaped like a man, wrestling it to the floor and repeatedly jabbing at its leafy shrubbery with the broken bottle.

Big brother immediately calls spiral to the diary room.

04.30am
Most of the housemates are in bed. Spiral has pulled away Aisleyne`s duvet and is sitting naked on her bed, tenderly stroking her hair while watching her sleep. Spiral has been watching Aisleyne sleep for 1 hour and 55 minutes.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

BB7 Highlights, day 37

2007-06-28T13:55:00.000+01:00

THE DIRECTORS CUT

DAY 37
09.34am
Most of the housemates are still in bed. Pete has been in the bathroom practising his tourettes for 84 mins. Glyn is in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal when Lea enters from the bedroom. Glyn asks her if she wants anything for breakfast. Lea tells him the only thing she is hungry for is c0ck, and that the only thing that will satisfy her appetite is great big juicy piece of man meat! Glyn looks gormlessly at her for a few seconds, before asking her if she would like some cornflakes instead.

10.54am
Susie is in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea. Richard is wearing a hat whilst mincing around Susie telling her how fabulous she is. Most of the other housemates are in the garden. Pete is rubbing savlon on an earthworm that Mikey stood on 23 mins ago. Imogen and lisa are by the pool discussing Nikki. Lisa says she f$$king hates her because shes two faced and is always talking about people behind their f$$king backs, Imogen agrees, saying she hates the way Nikki is always talking about people behind their backs "She`s just a two faced ass licking pr$ck" she says, completely missing the irony.

12.02pm
Susie is in the lounge drinking a cup of tea. Richard is wearing a different hat, and is again mincing around Susie telling her how fabulous she is. Mikey and Aislynne are in the bedroom, Aislynne is wearing a thong and is repeatedly bending over whenever she sees a camera moving in her direction. Mikey and the cameraman have each had an erection for 14 minutes.

12.22pm
Nikki is in the diary room complaining she isnt receiving enough airtime. Big Brother assures her that if she throws a few more tantrums and bursts into tears on a more regular basis, they can guarantee her at least 15 minutes of exposure per show. Nikki compains that this isnt enough and immediately bursts into tears, before storming out of the diary room and informing the other housemates that she is leaving for the third time that day.

2.01 pm
The housemates have been given a task. Each housemate has been supplied with a cattleprod and asked to elicit some sort of reaction from Susie within the next hour. Pete is first to try and immediately starts jabbing at Susie from different angles while throwing himself around in a wacky and outrageous manner. Susie blinks on several occasions but fails to show any real signs of life "W.A.N.K.E.R" shouts Pete.
Lea, never one to let the chance of a double entendre pass by, immediately thrusts her breasts into Pete`s face before telling him, that if he wants to poke her with his cattleprod she can gaurantee him a favourable reaction, Pete sniggers and gives her a token hug, before running away and hiding in the bedroom.

3.00pm
After 59 minutes of unsuccesfully trying to elicit a response from Susie, Big Brother informs the group that they have failed the task and will not be getting a reward. Richard puts on his third different hat of the day and tells everyone that it really doesn`t matter, they are all still absolutely fabulous.
Nikki storms off to the bathroom and starts practising her "I`m dissappointed because we`ve just failed another task" expression.

3.06pm
Lea is sitting in the kitchen licking salad cream from the end of a cucumber, before rubbing it seductively up and down her inner thigh. Pete is watching nervously from behind the sofa in the lounge.
Mikey and Imogen are in the bedroom discussing tonights eviction. Imogen suggests that they should be safe "They never evict the most interesting housemates" she says "and were dead interesting we are arent we?".
Mikey agrees with her "yeah were dead interesting we are" he says whilst nodding his head.
Imogen nods her head in agreement "You`re so right babes" she says "i`m so glad we had this little chat, its nice to have these interesting conversations dont you think?"
Mikey agrees with her "yeah it is" he says whilst nodding his head.

5.10pm
Glyn is in the diary room discussing the other housemates. Big Brother asks him if he fancies any of the girls in the house. Glyn replies that he fancies them all, "Its brilliant" he says excitedly "its like, i have all these girls, who are my friends now, which makes them all my girlfriends i suppose, which is weird, because i`ve never had a girlfriend that wasn`t covered in wool before"
Big Brother asks him which has been his favourite moment in the house so far, Glyn replies it was discovering electricity "Its brilliant" he says excitedly "its like, you have these lights and things that go on and off all the time, its amazing, then there`s cooking and stuff, its brilliant, i like, buttered a piece of bread earlier and then ate it all by myself, brilliant!"

6.10pm
Lisa is in the bathroom talking with Nikki about tonights eviction. Lisa is reassuring Nikki that she will be staying "The f$$king british public love you out there" she says, whilst extracting her knife from between Nikki`s shoulderblades "You`re dead mint you are, you`re bound to stay in". Nikki pulls several different facial expressions, and eventually settles on her "innocent, yet slightly surprised prepubescent schoolgirl look" before stamping her feet, threatening to leave if she`s evicted, and then immediately storming off to the diary room.

6.15 pm
Lea and Pete are in the bedroom. Lea is asking Pete for a favour. she wants him to stand over her splattering salad cream all over her face, while telling her "oooooh yeah you love it you bitch" while Lea looks seductively into the camera. Pete laughs nervously before declining her request and giving her a token hug.

7.45pm
Glyn is in the lounge giving Aislynne a back massage. Aislynne is wearing a thong. Glyn and the cameraman have each had an erection for 48 mins. Richard has put on a different hat and is talking to Susie about how fabulous a nice cup of tea is.

7.54pm
Lea is nowhere. talking to the hedge shaped like a man, "God i need a c0ck" she tells him whilst stroking his leafy thigh "if i dont get a good seeing to soon i think i`m going to explode, i bet you have a lovely penis in there haven`t you big boy? you just need the right woman to bring it out of you thats all" Lea drops to her knees and starts rummaging around in the hedge shaped like a mans shrubbery for approx 56 minutes.
Eventually a disappointed Lea gives up and sits back down, before smiling, clicking her fingers and rushing back into the house.
8.50pm Lea is in the diary room requesting a pair of gardening shears and a large bottle of lubricant.

9.24pm
The housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Davina announces that lisa is the next housemate to be evicted. Richard leaps off the sofa shouting "YES" before punching the air in delight and giving Lisa a consoling hug.
Nikki is using her "startled rabbit caught in the headlights expression" as Richard and Pete start exchanging high fives. Lisa is wandering around the room telling everyone how f$$king excited it is to be evicted while clenching her mancunian fists in anger.

11.45pm
Lisa has been evicted. Imogen and Nikki are talking in the kitchen. Imogen says shes glad Lisa has gone "She was so two faced" she says "she was always talking about people behind their backs and ass licking, i hate that kind of stuff". Nikki agrees, saying she hates two facedness and ass licking because its just so false. "Youre so right babes" agrees Imogen completely missing the irony.

2.01am
Most of the housemates are asleep. Pete is throwing himself around the diary room in a wacky and outrageous manner, whilst telling Big Brother how he wished he was hung like a baby hamster.
Lea is nowhere. naked and riding vigourously up and down on the hedge shaped like a man while shouting out profanities, and telling the hedge shaped like a man to treat her like the b1tch she is!

big brother immediately calls lea to the diary room.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

Which housemate has shamed their family and friends the most?

2007-06-28T13:46:00.000+01:00

IMOGEN
Besides revealing to the world why welsh sheep are more popular than women, apparently the after sex conversations are much more stimulating! The beautifully vacuous mannequin that is imogen, has done very little to shame herself or her family during her stay in the house, and can be assured of a hearty welcome back in the valleys on her upcoming return to national obscurity.
Embarrassment rating 0/10

MIKEY
Mikey may be scouse, but despite this, he has constantly failed to embarrass his family and friends during his big brother experience. On the contrary. With his nightly exploration of Grace’s lady garden, Mikey has ensured he will become a living legend on his return to the northern dole queue. Or at least until the start of BB 8. When the next token liverpudlian Mr nice guy, is once again thrown into the big brother cauldron.
Embarrassment rating 1/ 10

AISLYNNE
A fairly non committal housemate, who regularly shames her family and friends every time she removes her make up. However, her refusal to join in any of the constant name calling and back stabbing should stand her in good stead on her impending return to the gutter of society.
Embarrassment rating 2/10

GLYN
As the only person in Britain capable of making Harry potter look like an asbo case. Wales’s head boy got off to a bad start by entering the house dressed as a life guard, revealing a body that even a corpse would have been ashamed of, since then, the welsh wonder kid has continued to embarrass his family and friends every time he opens his mouth. Luckily, as most of them are very similar in intellect to Glyn, they probably haven’t even noticed.
Embarrassment rating 3/10

LISA
As well as providing a refreshing touch of culture to the big brother house, Lisa has also managed to dispel the myth that northern birds are loud, brash and ignorant, as for her embarrassment rating. When her mother was asked how she thought her daughter had portrayed herself over the last few weeks. She was heard to reply " she’s done f$$king brilliant, Lisa is a tw$$ting great housemate, f$$king ace man, f$$king mint, and if anyone’s says different ill take a sh$t down their f$$king throat, you get me?"
Embarrassment rating 4/10

RICHARD
Despite regularly wearing a flamboyant hat, in the vain hope of making himself appear outrageous, Richard has had a fairly quiet time in the house so far with very few embarrassing moments. In fact. As his bottom licking and bitchiness gains momentum over the coming weeks, Richard will no doubt score himself massive man points in the gay community. Thus ensuring a cheery reception from his family and friends during his inevitable eviction.
Embarrassment rating 5/10

PETE
Apart from the occasional well timed shout of W.A.N.K.E.R. big brothers bondage expert has done his family very little harm in the embarrassment stakes! How his mother must burst with pride every time she passes a gang of teenage girls in the street and hears them asking "Pete? Isn’t he the one with the 12 inch c0ck who likes being led around on a dog lead wearing a gimp mask?"
Embarrassment rating 6/10

GRACE
Whilst continually being portrayed as the most evil woman in history. The flat faced, flat chested, upper class socialite, will have done herself no end of good with her constant back stabbing and bitchiness during her big brother stay. Viewed as endearing qualities amongst the gentry set, there can be no doubt that grace has done her family and friends proud, and as such, she can also look forward to a steady stream of parents eager to enroll their children at her school of dance. Hoping that a few of Grace’s more pleasant qualities will rub off on their impressionable offspring.
Embarrassment rating 7/10

NIKKI
Having entered the house with her genitalia flapping around like a pair of net curtains during a strong breeze. The anorexic stick insects embarrassment rating couldn’t have reached any higher, however since then, Nikki`s constant gurning, and prepubescent tantrums have meant the all forgiving British public have taken the elfin faced munchkin back into their bosom. Thus guaranteeing herself a regular spit roasting by premiership footballers up and down the country, as she desperately tries to keep herself in the media spotlight once evicted.
Embarrassment rating 8/10

LEA
As the only women alive who can make bet lynch look petite, the world’s most hideous porn star apparently entered the house hoping to make her son feel proud. Unfortunately, as her once obscure film has now been seen by every schoolboy in Britain. The 57 year old, bulldog faced trout, has inadvertently guaranteed her son a lifetime of bullying and abuse. Throw in the deep throating of a carrot, French kissing a boy, French kissing a girl, and her obsessive stalking of a well hung tourrette`s sufferer, and the big breasted Amazonian troll will no doubt be staggered to learn upon her eviction. That her 10 year old son has changed his name, packed his bags, and taken himself down to social services for immediate adoption!
Embarrassment rating, immeasurable!

Big Brother Meets Lost

2007-06-28T13:33:00.000+01:00

(On a once deserted beach on a mysterious island. a passenger airliner has recently crashed and the mid section of the wreckage lies stricken in the sand. fortunately, not long after the crash. two of the survivors known as dawn and George were sucked into the still working engine and instantly vaporised. Never to be seen or heard from ever again. Away from the wreckage. Groups of passengers are huddled together, trying to take comfort from each other as they survey the disastrous scene before them. The survivors have been stranded on the beach for 6 hours and 44 minutes)

DAY1 6.32PM
(Two of the freaks, Lea and Pete have separated themselves from the group and are discussing how the accident may have possibly been caused)

LEA "I tell ya wot Petey. I ope nobody tries to blame me for all this, just cause i was sookin off the pilot when eet appened, it aint my fault the f00kin plane crashed, if the co pilot adent bin takin me from behind at the same time weed ave probally been all reet"

PETE "eh? what you talking about Lea? Click click, your fakin WICKED man! Its not your fault were lost is it? Meeoww! Its the mysterious island innit, its just weird and freaky man W.$.N.K.E.R!" (Thumps self on chest)

LEA "Well if its not my fault why em i always the one bein f00kin basted targeted then, they’re always talking aboot me behind meh back them lot, ive done f00k all to no-one me, i dint deserve it, its proper sheet! I’m tellin ya"

(As they are talking a young pot bellied Mancunian walks over to them and introduces herself)
BONNIE "Iyer my names bonnieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

PETE "Nice to meet you Bonner W.$.N.K.E.R"

BONNIE "No its Bonnieeeeeeeeeee not Bonnerrrrrrrrrrrrr, ermmm i was just wunderin, have either of you seen meh suitcase? Only I’m lost without itttt, its got meh sexy pink t shirt in, meh sexy pink boots, meh sexy pink bikiniiii, its got everythin and everyfinnnnnnnnnnnn, i cant be the real meee until i find ma suitcaseeeeeeeeeee, have either of you two seen etttttttt?"

PETE "Errr? No! Sorry Bonner, hehehehehe" (punches self in face)

BONNIE "Aw well, f$ck it then, I’ll just go away then shall ahhhhhhhhh"

(The young pot bellied Mancunian walks away and continues to look for her suitcase)

LEA "Did you see that? Did you see the way she were lukin at me? Even Bonner f00kin ates me nahhhh, she don’t even know me! If it aunt them lot slagging us off behind us back, its them f00kin OTHERS whispering about me in the jungle, well that’s it im telling ya, i aint fookin stayin where i aint wanted, i aint anging around ere to get slagged off by no-one"

(Lea gets up and shuffles away holding her breasts, Petey runs after her in a wacky and outrageous manner. eventually he grabs her and starts giving her a hug. Lea casually guides his head deep into her cleavage)

PETE (muffled) "What the fak you going on about Lea? You can’t walk out now; we’ve only been here a few hours. Whistle, click click. You’ve got to stop bein so fakin paranoid man, (thumps self in mouth) everyone loves ya on this island, you’ve been like a mum to everyone, we all fakin love ya man W.A.N.K.E.R"

LEA "Eeeeh Petey yer fookin WICKED you are, SH1T ottt, you always know ow to make me feel better! If i ever ave a son, i ope he turns out just like yer"

PETE "What the fak you talkin about Lea? Meeoooowwww, you ave got a son, you told us about him remember, click click?"

LEA "Tw$ting ell, i forgot all bout im"

(Suddenly Lea has a flashback as she remembers her son. in her mind she is no longer on the island, she is in a film studio back in Nottingham. Lea is naked and bent over a kitchen table, whilst she is being vigorously taken from behind by a pizza delivery boy. as the camera crew looks on a young boy dressed in school uniform approaches her)

LEA`S SON "Mum, are you going to be much longer? I need some help me with my homework."

LEA "grunt grunt, Shouldn’t be long nah son, grunt grunt, just to need to get the money shot then am all yours"

LEA`S SON (deep sigh) Ok mum, I’ll go and wait in the car park."

(The young boy disappears from the studio as lea continues to get porked)

(Suddenly Lea is back on the island, safely in the arms of her beloved Pete. She looks into the ocean and sees her son standing watching as the island continues to play tricks with her mind. Her son smiles at her. "I love you mum," he whispers. Then the boy vanishes)

(Lea starts to cry as she pushes Pete away. it seems she has finally come to her senses)

LEA "I don’t f00kin believe it! Ow could i forget me own son? Well not no more, am telling ya things are gonna be different, from nahh on he comes first, i aint gonna do nuffin to embarrass him no more, am gonna make im proper proud am telling ya"

PETE "Yeahhhh that’s the spirit Lea, click click, its gonna be WICKED man, fakin WICKED"

LEA "Right, first things first" (Lea starts pulling down her knickers as she waddles off into the undergrowth) "Am just off into jungle to ave a p1ss, if you wanna cum with me and play with me enormous t1ts ye can do!"

PETE (clicks his fingers and starts to follow her) "Wowser!"

DAY 1 6.41PM
(Meanwhile, not very deep in the jungle. Two of the survivors are searching for water. The leader of the group, The adult, is cutting his way through the undergrowth with a scythe, while wearing a tight fitting vest and a jungle hat. As he is doing this a 12 year old girl is skipping playfully behind him. The two survivors have been searching for water for exactly 4 minutes)

NIKKI "I’m bored Richuuurd, are we nearly there yet?"

RICHARD "For pity’s sake girl will you please stop asking me that, just try and enjoy yourself, i mean look around you, this place is just fabulous darling"

NIKKI (pouting) "But I’m tired Richard, I’m just so tired today! It seems like we’ve been walking for hours, and its too cold Richuuuurd, its just too cold today, Nikki just wants to go back to bed and snuggle under her duvet, can we go back now please Richuuuurd?"

RICHARD "no we cant go back Nikki, we’ve only just left, look you can still see the others on the beach, and you’re the one who wanted to find freshwater, you know you wont drink anything unless its been purified by being filtered through molten rock for millions of years"

NIKKI "I’m sorry Richuuurd, I’m just so cold, i can’t help itttt"

RICHARD "You know you’re a very entertaining person Nikki but you can be really infuriating at times, and will you please stop complaining about the cold! Its at least 90 for pity’s sake"

NIKKI "i knoooow it is Richard, that’s why I’m wearing my parka, Nikki likes it hotter than this, much hotter (excitedly taking his arm) I’ll tell you something Richuuuurd, listen to this, listen to this! Did you know? Did you know? At home my gas bill is three HHHHundred pounds! Three HHHHundred pounds! I have the heating on constantly, day and night, day and night. 30 degrees, just constantly on, day and night! This! (Gestures around her) this is like 10 degrees, its f$cking Antarctica for gods sake. that’s why I’m so unhappy richuuuuurd!"

RICHARD "Well I’m sorry darling you’ll just have to put up with it, i mean what is it with you? You’re such a little princess, how on earth did you get to be so spoilt?"

(Suddenly Nikki has a flashback. she is no longer on the island. Nikki is back at her parents house. her mum and dad are sitting watching television in the lounge, when a 6 year old Nikki skips playfully into the room)

NIKKI "Muuuuuuum, can i have a pony please?"

NIKKI`S MUM "What? absolutely not, ponies far too expensive, you can have a gerbil instead"

NIKKI "But muuuuum, i don’t want a stupid gerbil, Nikki wants a pony, pleeeeeease muuuum"

NIKKI`S MUM "Absolutely not"

(Nikki bursts into tears and starts stamping her foot on the floor)

NIKKI "BUT I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp) I WANT ONE (stamp)"

NIKKI`S DAD "Oh for the love of god, will you shut that child up, just go and buy her a pony"

NIKKI` S MUM (getting up) "Oh alright, but we really shouldn’t keep spoiling her you know"

NIKKI`S DAD "Oh don’t be silly, it wont do her any harm"

NIKKI (smiling) "Thanks daddy"

(Suddenly Nikki is back on the island again, she watches Richard continue to scythe through the under growth and starts to shiver)

NIKKI (pulling her parka tightly around her) "I’m sure its getting colder richuuuuurd, its absolutely freeeeezing"

RICHARD "Well I’m sorry darling there isn’t much i can do about it, you’ll just have to take it up with mother nature I’m afraid"

NIKKI (stands still and starts to pout while frantically waving her arms) WHAT? Well who is she? Who is this Mother Nature person? Who is SHE? Because i tell you something richuuuurd (starts to cry) I’m sick and tired of battling with her over the weather! I really am, i just don’t have the energy in me anymore Richard, and I’m sick and tired of it! I just don’t have the energy anymore; I’m just so cold richuuuurd! I’m just so coOooOoOoOoOoOLLLLLDD!!! How many times do i have to tell you that I’m freezing? How many times? Well I’m going home in the morning, i suggest you have my suitcase here because I’m not staying here on this mysterious island one minute longer than absolutely necessary"

RICHARD (puts his finger to his lips) "Shhhhhhhh, Nikki, did you hear that?

NIKKI "What? What was it? What was it?"

RICHARD "It sounded like running water, coming from over there (Richard starts running in the direction of the sound) "come on follow me, oh isn’t it exciting darling? This is just fabulous!"

(Richard and Nikki start running through the jungle. as they close in on the sound of running water they slow down to a crawl. Richard cautiously approaches a bush)

RICHARD "I think its coming from behind here"

(Richard pulls back some of the branches to reveal Lea crouching on the floor with her knickers around her ankles. Pete is stood behind her gently fondling her breasts)

PETE "W.A.N.K.E.R.S"

LEA "F00kin ell, cant a girl take a p1ss withooot a bit of f00kin privacy on this island, tw$ting ell?"

RICHARD "Oh I’m so sorry darlings, i do apologise, come on Nikki, lets go, there must be some water around here somewhere"

NIKKI (smiling coyly and waving) "Bye Petey"

PETE "Yeah, see you later Nikki, hehehehehehe (punches self in throat)
(Richard and nikki once again set off into the jungle, with Richard scything his way through the undergrowth, while Nikki is skipping playfully behind him)

NIKKI "I’m bored richuuurd, are we nearly there yet?"

To not be continued......................