The new trousers.

It was the trousers that did it. Normally I’d buy a pair of loose cotton joggers, especially if they were for just lounging around the house, which is what I do most days since they made me redundant from the factory.

I wear clothes for comfort these days and ever since my stomach started spreading and my butt cheeks started drooping, looking cool and fashionable were the last things on my mind; but for her I’d be willing to squeeze this aged, aching body into a two sizes too small rubber cat suit. 

I never knew her name. She works on the discounted clothing stall at the local indoor market where they sell everything from nylon underpants to fashion shirts at two for a tenner. She was there when I called in to buy a new pair of trousers for a job interview I had to attend. Nothing fancy, not that they sold anything fancy, just a pair that were clean and presentable with a waist I could grow into and that weren’t too long in the leg. 

I have short legs you see. 30 inches. Which considering I’m 6.2 is pretty unusual in a guy, but perfectly normal if you’re a male in my family. Just another fault I inherited from my father along with premature baldness, sticky out ears and a nose that’s shaped like a coat hanger. Not that it bothers me, not anymore. Some people would let defects like that really eat away at their self confidence and make them angry and bitter, but not me, why should it? The truth is I always hated my father and I’ve always enjoyed being single so what do I have to be bitter about?

So there I was, just browsing the half price rail for anything in my size when she breezed around the underwear display like it was something she did everyday, which to her, I suppose it was.

Her smile was the first thing I noticed, it started in her eyes and finished in a warm sensation in my groin that stayed there for most of the day.

“Hey, you ok there? You need any help?”

There she was looking up at me, with those eyes, and that smile, and she obviously has no idea how wonderful she is. So I smile back and the stall and the other customers melt away, and now we’re on a beach far away from here, her with her smile and me with my stumpy legs; and I’m looking at her and a stray hair falls across her face and I reach over and sweep it away from her cheek with the back of my hand and for an all too brief a moment nothing else exists in this world apart from me and her.

“What size are you looking for?” and before I can answer she takes a step back and devours my body with her eyes. At least if this were a porn movie that’s what she would’ve been doing, whereas in reality she was checking to see how fat my stomach was.

“48 inches, right?”

48 inches. Jesus, why did I have to be so big?  And why did she have to be so young and so bouncy and so obviously out of my league. She was perfect. Big blue eyes surrounded by a frame of shoulder length yellow hair that was almost as pale as her skin. I did consider answering with a joke. Something along the lines of, 48 inches! Are you talking about my waistline or my cock? Or some other equally witty reply that would’ve had her doubling up with laughter and helped her see me as more than just another penny pinching overweight customer out for a cheap pair of trousers, but I didn’t. I just laughed for no particular reason like most guys do when they’re talking to a pretty girl who’s half their age, and said, “Yep 48 inches, you guessed it just right.” 

“Ok,” she said, “let’s see what we’ve got.”

Then she turns away and begins expertly flicking hangers along the rail with her perfectly manicured fingers, before pulling out a pair of white flannel slacks with no zip and an elasticated waist.

“What about these?” she said, fingering the price tag. “They’re only £5 in the sale having been reduced from nearly £20,” and then she showed me the label to prove she wasn’t lying. “See?”  

Yeah, they look great,” I lied, because in reality they looked anything but great. They looked like something my Granddad might have worn when I used to visit him in the old folks home when I was a boy. They were plain, they were dull and they were made of flannel, and they certainly weren’t the type of thing you could wear to a job interview; even if it was only collecting trolleys at the supermarket for minimum wage.

“Would you like to try them on? We don’t have a changing room as such but there’s a room at the back you can use.”

And before I have the chance to reply she’s taken the trousers and I’m following her past the underpants and towards the back of the stall, and she’s opening a door, handing me the hanger and gesturing me inside.

Except it isn’t really a room at all, it’s more of a cubicle with a toilet and a small dirty sink, and even though I have no intention of disappointing the girl by not buying the trousers I figure the least I should do is try them on. So I hang the flannel slacks on the door, pull off my trainers followed by my joggers and pull on the new ones.

They’re horrible, and they’re so long in the leg I have to pull them up over my belly button to stop the cuffs dangling on the floor. So I’m just about to take them off, go back outside and tell her how much I love them when I suddenly realise I’m desperate for a pee. Now where the urge came from I have no idea because I only went an hour or so ago but my guess is it’s a psychological thing. I mean, there I am standing in a bathroom surrounded by all that water and porcelain and my subconscious mind has kick started my pipe work and released a few valves and now suddenly I’m standing there in my new pants and I’m desperate for a pee.

Normally being desperate for a pee isn’t a problem if you’re standing in a bathroom, but normally the girl of your dreams isn’t on the other side of a thin wooden door with her perfect smile and her heaving bosom and her cute little ass, and I know if I do take a pee and my aim isn’t perfect, absolutely dead on, then she’s going to hear the tinkle and the splash and she’ll know that only a few feet away a middle aged man that she has absolutely no interest in dating is inside taking a piss, and my ego just won’t allow that to happen.

So I did what any self respecting guy would do if he was desperate to go the toilet and her didn’t want anyone to hear. I put a few sheets of toilet roll on the ground so I wouldn’t dirty the knees, kneeled down, pulled my trousers and underpants down past my balls, hung the little guy over the porcelain and let nature take its course. And that’s exactly what I was doing when she knocked on the door.

“You ok in there?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.”

“You sure? You’ve been in there a while?”

“No no, just trying them on. I’ll be right out,” I grunted, and I would have been right out except no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t make it stop. So there I am, kneeling in the cubicle for what seems like an eternity, but is probably only two or three minutes, waiting for the flow to slow to a trickle, before giving it a quick shake and stuffing it back in my trousers and underpants with the urgency of a guy who’s just heard a police siren outside a brothel.

“Ok, let’s see how they look?” she said.

“Yeah sure, just give me a sec,” I say, scrambling to my feet and readjusting myself. Once I’m satisfied there’s nothing stick out an odd angle, or bulging where it shouldn’t be bulging, I pick the toilet paper up from the floor, drop it in the pan, put down the seat to hide any incriminating evidence, open the door, and swagger outside.

“So what do you think?” I said, performing a spontaneous twirl that I regretted immediately. Twirls really aren’t a great idea when you have a belly the size of mine and its going to carry on twirling long after the rest of my body has stopped. So I held out my arms and struck a pose instead, “They’re a little high in the waist but I think I can pull them off.”

“Erm, yeah they look ok.” She said, and that’s when I notice she’s staring at my groin. Except, unlike my fantasy she isn’t staring at my groin with animal lust, and she doesn’t look as though she’s about top push me back inside the cubicle, lock the door, and ask me if there’s anything else I’d like to try on for size while slowly slipping off her panties. No, she’s scrunching up her nose and looking at me with a mixture of contempt and disgust I haven’t seen since the last time I undressed in front of a woman. And that’s when I glance down and see exactly what she’d been staring at.

A large circular piss stain has appeared at the crotch of my new trousers where I obviously haven’t shaken the little guy properly, and rather than waiting a few minutes, it’s decided that’s the perfect moment to seep through my underpants, and reveal itself to the girl of my dreams in all its piss stain glory.

“Oh shit! I’m sorry,” I said, covering my groin with my hands and retreating back inside the cubicle.”

“It’s ok, it doesn’t matter,” I heard her say, “but you do know you’ll have to buy them now don’t you?”

But isn’t what you think,” I said, hopping on one leg as I desperately tried to pull the pants off. “It’s not like I’ve pissed myself or anything. I must have splashed some water on them when I was washing my hands. Honestly, I’m a right clumsy fucker I am,” and then I laughed a little too loudly, like it had all been a big joke or something, and I’d actually meant to humiliate myself in front of a girl half my age.

Only there was no reply from her this time. So I finished getting changed, folded up the trousers so the stain was hidden from view, took a deep breath and cautiously stepped outside.

She wasn’t there, she’d gone back to the counter and was busying herself, or rather, pretending to busy herself by rearranging the sock display, and as I walked towards her wondering if there was anything I could say to help salvage the situation, she said, “Would you like me to put them in a bag so they don’t drip on the floor?”

I just nodded, dropped the trousers in the carrier bag as she held it open, paid the money and left. Confident, that I would never visit that stall to buy a new pair of pants, ever again.

My father and I.

An England International footballer once described pressure as: Preparing to take a spot kick during a World Cup penalty shoot-out, knowing that the hopes and expectations of an entire footballing nation were resting heavily on his shoulders. Score and he would become a hero, worshipped throughout the land. Miss and the most he had to look forward to was hearing chants of how his wife likes to take it up the arse at every away stadium up and down the country.

Well without wishing to sound too flippant, if that player had been into my family he would have realised he was talking out of his own backside.

As far as I‘m concerned, real pressure is preparing to take a penalty during the final minute of the under 14s Derbyshire schools` knockout competition. Real pressure is standing in a muddy field during the coldest winters on record while suffering from chickenpox, with the wind and rain lashing against my spot covered face; knowing that the hopes and expectations of my Manchester United loving Father, who was cheering me on from the touchline were rested heavily on my shoulders.

Score and I would become a hero, and I could look forward to fish and chips and being allowed to stop up late to watch Starsky and Hutch. Miss, and all I had to look forward to was being dragged back home by the earlobe, to face four hours of penalty practise in the garden, with my dad shuffling backwards and forwards wearing an oven glove, as he pretended to be Peter Schmeichel.

I think it was at that moment, as I stood alone in the penalty area with my knees knocking together, wiping the rain and snot from my face, and listening to my Father shout encouraging phrases like “GO ON SON, KICK THE BASTARD!” as he jumped up and down behind the goal, that I first began to realise I really didn’t like playing football very much at all.

I placed the ball on the spot, and backed slowly away from it, desperately trying not to catch the eye of my father who was standing behind the goal throwing handfuls of mud at the back of the goalkeepers head in an effort to distract him. As soon as the penalty was awarded, and the rest of my team mates volunteered me to take it by running to the other side of the pitch, I decided that the best way to deal with the situation was to just close my eyes and kick the ball as hard as I possibly could.

I took a deep breath and pulled the sleeves of my saturated jersey down over my hands in an effort to protect myself from the cold, launched myself at the ball - missed it completely - flew arse over tit - and finished face down in the mud screaming for a free kick while the crowd began jeering me from the touchline.

“BOOOOOOO!”

“YOU‘RE SHIT!”

“GET OFF THE PITCH YOU LANKY STREAK OF PISS!”

And that was just the teachers.

Forty five minutes later and I had showered and changed, and my Father and I were making our way home through the wind and the rain. With me forced to walk twenty paces behind in case my dad bumped into anybody he knew.

Knowing I had disappointed my father was something I ought to have gotten used to over the years. Especially when you consider how often it happened.

The first time was when I was only 10 years old and my dad arrived home early from work and discovered me playing doctors and nurses with my best friend, Timothy. I‘m still not sure who was the most surprised that day. Me, for suddenly having a home made thermometer inserted into my bottom, or my father, for finding me spread-eagled over the kitchen table with my underpants around my ankles dressed as a nurse. I tried to reassure him it was nothing to worry about, but it can be difficult forming an argument on the merits of cross dressing when you are bent over your fathers’ knee as he hammers home your best friend’s lollipop stick with his size twelve slipper.

Once out of hospital and much to my buttocks despair, I continued to disappoint my Father on an almost weekly basis. Such as the day of my eleventh birthday when he noticed I had been applying my Mothers lipstick to my brand new action man. Or the time just a few days later, when, during one of his now regular toy inspections, my Father found that very same action man naked in the back of his army truck, holding hands with G.I Joe.

But on this particular day my Dad was different somehow. When we eventually reached home and I’d finished watching the rest of the family eating their fish and chip suppers from the garden with my face pressed hungrily against the dining room window, I suspected that there would be no penalty practice for me that night. And neither would my bottom be thrashed to within an inch of its worthless life by the slipper that my Father had affectionately named “The Tenderiser.”

Whereas normally he’d be ranting and raving, telling me that I was an accident and that he would have been better off just wanking into a tissue all those years ago, my father was worryingly quiet during that long walk home, almost as if he had entirely given up hope. Knowing I was an embarrassment to my Father was one thing. Suspecting that he just didn’t care anymore was something different altogether.

It was then that I made a decision. I decided to ask him the question that I knew he had been asking himself ever since I hit puberty, and he walked into my bedroom and discovered Timothy and I, plaiting each others pubic hair while listening to Kylie Minogue. I decided to ask him whether he thought I was a gay. One way or another, I just had to find out the truth.

My opportunity arose a few hundred yards down the street, when he suddenly pulled me into a shop doorway after spotting one of his friends staggering out of the local pub. Once we had finished dodging his friend’s piss after he stopped to relieve himself in our hiding place we finally set off for home again. Only this time, and much to my Fathers bewilderment, I started walking beside him.

During the next few miles my Dad tried a variety of techniques to shake off my attentions. Such as quickening his pace until we had both broken into a jog. Or dodging in and out of parked cars when he thought I wasn’t looking. But on this occasion I refused to give up. Until eventually, as we nearing the road we had to cross to reach the fish and chip shop, my Father who was almost breathless by now slowed to an almost leisurely crawl.
My Father and I walked silently side by side for the next few minutes, until I finally plucked up enough courage to speak to him.

“I’m not very good at football am I, dad.”

My father sighed, the deepest of sighs. “Not really, son. No!”

“Do you think It’s because I’m a faggot, dad?”

My Father stopped and looked about to see if anybody was within earshot before slowly turning to face me. The fingers of his slipper hand twitching against his thigh, like a gunslinger flexing his muscles before meting out justice to someone who was about to wrong him. And if there was one thing you could be sure about with my Father, it’s that he was always quick on the draw. “I don’t know, son, “he said, as he leant in towards me until his face was practically touching mine. “Are you a faggot?”

“I don’t think so.” I said, with complete and utter honesty, and it was true I really didn‘t. “I know I like looking at the girls knickers when they’re swinging on the swings.”

My father put his hand on my shoulder and smiled the faintest of smiles. “That’s good, son,” he said, “That’s good.”

My father and I never spoke during the rest of our journey, and I began to wonder whether our conversation had been entirely worthwhile. That was until my Father did something that shocked and amazed me, and changed the course of our relationship forever.

As we were nearing the road we had to cross to reach “The Battered Fish.” my dad stopped and turned towards me again, and said the words I never thought I would hear him say after shaming him on the football pitch. “Fish and chips is it, son? He asked, as though it was something he said every day.

Now it was my turn to smile. “Yes please, dad.” I said, before adding, “Do you want me to hide outside in the bushes again while you‘re ordering?”

“Not tonight, son.” He said, taking hold of my hand and leading me across the road. ”Tonight you can wait in the warm.”

And that was that. Here I was a thirteen year old boy walking hand in hand with his homophobic Father across a busy main road, in front of anybody who might actually know us, and I can honestly say I have never felt more proud to be his son.

Car Sharing

Car sharing was my wife’s idea. I was travelling over two hundred miles a week to and from work and with petrol prices set to rise again it seemed the sensible thing to do. So I placed an ad in the paper and waited for the replies.

Dave was the first to call. Dave was eighteen years older than me at fifty six but because he was married, I figured, even if we had nothing else to talk about at least we would be able to bitch about our wives.

Dave was taller than he sounded over the phone, and because my car doesn’t have much in the way of leg room when he sat in the passenger seat his knees were practically touching his chin.

I regularly asked Dave if he was comfortable and he would always reply, “Don’t worry about it! I’ve been in a lot worse positions in the front seat of the car.”

As well as being gangly, Dave also suffered from an excessive mucus problem that meant he spent most of the journey with a finger up his nose. I didn’t really mind this, but Dave also had the unfortunate habit of examining his finger afterwards then wiping it on my upholstery.

Aside from the mucus, the first couple of days with Dave were fine. We talked about football and politics, and we even found time to bitch about our wives. Apparently Dave’s wife didn’t understand him, and according to him, they had being living a lie for the past twenty years. Dave didn’t elaborate on this until the third day as we were driving down the motorway on our way home from Manchester; Dave put his hand on my leg and asked if I’d ever been given a blowjob at seventy miles an hour?

Not really picking up the signs I told him that my wife and I were too chicken shit to try something like that because we’d both be too worried about crashing the car.

“It’s not that dangerous, said Dave, running his finger up my thigh, “I’ve tried it plenty of times and the driver hasn’t had an accident yet.”

I decided not to reply; I just gripped the steering wheel a little tighter and put my foot down on the accelerator.

When I dropped Dave at his house, he looked back at me as he climbed out and said, “Same time tomorrow then?” 

I had no intention of letting Dave in my car ever again, but I said, “Yeah, sure, same time tomorrow,” then drove away as quickly as I could.

The second person to call was a thirty three year old Polish woman named Dorota. Dorota told me that eighteen months ago she had been involved in a house fire in which her husband had died and because she had no other family she had moved to the UK in search of a better life.

Dorota also told me that the reason she was looking for a car share was because she had recently started her first job and although catching the train was cheaper, she hated the way the other passengers looked upon her with pity and whispered about her behind her back.

I thought perhaps Dorota had been caught in the fire and was somehow disfigured, but her English was excellent and she seemed pleasant enough, so I took down her address and arranged to pick her up on Monday morning.

Dorota wasn’t disfigured but she was in a wheelchair, and because it took her five minutes to manoeuvre into the passenger seat, and another ten for me to collapse her wheelchair and make room for it in the boot, I was late for work.

During the journey Dorota told me how she had lost the use of her legs in the fire when the ceiling collapsed and damaged her spinal cord, and although she was now paralysed and living in a foreign land she was proud of how well she had adjusted to her new life in England like water to a duck.

I started laughing and told her the correct expression was ‘duck to water’ not, ‘water to a duck’. 

Dorota fell silent and when I asked if anything was wrong she hammered her fists on the dashboard and screamed, “HOW DARE YOU MOCK MY ENGLISH! I AM NEW IN YOUR COUNTRY AND YOU DO NOT KNOW ME. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MOCK ME THIS WAY!”

I had obviously upset her so I thought so I’d better pull over and give her a chance to calm down, but when I indicated and moved onto the hard shoulder, she shouted, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? FIRST YOU INSULT MY ENGLISH AND NOW YOU WANT TO MAKE ME LATE FOR WORK? JUST DRIVE ME TO FUCKING MANCHESTER.”

Despite my attempts to apologise, Dorota spent the rest of the journey sobbing into her hands and occasionally turning to me and shouting, “ANGIELSKA PIG-FACED DOG!”

Once we arrived at her place of work, Dorota had calmed down somewhat and as I was watching her manoeuvre onto the wheelchair, she said, “I am so, so sorry for my behaviour. What must you think of me?”

I said that considering she had recently lost her husband and the use of her legs, her behaviour was perfectly understandable and that things were bound to get on top of her once in a while.

Dorota thanked me for being so considerate, and as I was getting back into my car, she said, “So, you will pick me up tonight at 6 o clock, yes?”

I had absolutely no intention of letting Dorota in my car ever again, but I said, “Yes, see you at 6 o clock,” then drove to work as quickly as I could. 

The third person to call was Alan. Alan phoned a few days later just as I was leaving for work and said in a strong Liverpool accent, “Listen mate, I’ve just seen your ad in the paper, any chance you could pick me up from the all night supermarket in ten minutes?”

I said, “I’m not a taxi, Alan, but if you’re willing to put towards my petrol I will gladly pick you up.”

I arrived at the supermarket just as the alarm was sounding but I couldn’t see Alan anywhere. I was beginning to think the phone call was a prank when the passenger door opened and a young man climbed in wearing a combat jacket and carrying a large holdall.

“You must be Alan,” I said.

“Yeah I am, He said, pulling on his seat belt and gesturing behind us, “And these guys are me mates.”

I turned around and watched as the rear passenger doors opened and three other men, all wearing combat jackets, and all looking as though they had recently been lured down from the mountains with raw pieces of meat, climbed into the back seat.

Feeling slightly intimidated, I turned back to Alan, and said, “So, whereabouts in Manchester can I drop you off?”

“Change of plan,” he said, reaching into his inside jacket pocket, and pulling out a large bowie knife. “I want you to take us to Liverpool.”

“Fair enough,” I said, and off we went.

Even though he was holding the knife to my throat for most of the journey, Alan seemed a pleasant enough chap all in all. He told me how he and his gang was in the area robbing a series of supermarkets, and how their regular driver had had to pull out of today’s job after being arrested for drink driving the night before. When I asked why they hadn’t just stolen a car instead, Alan pushed the knife harder against my throat, and said, “Because none of us have got a fucking license, that’s why.”

Once we’d reached Liverpool, Alan directed me to the top level of a multi-storey car park and told me to turn off the engine before he and his mates began punching me repeatedly around the head until I lost consciousness.

He never did leave any petrol money.

Once out of hospital, the fourth person to call was my next door neighbour’s daughter Rebecca. Rebecca had just been accepted at university as a mature student and was looking for a lift into Manchester three mornings a week, and although recent events had left me somewhat trepidatious, I decided that since Rebecca was 21 and gorgeous, and had had a crush on me since hitting puberty I was more than happy to help

The first couple of trips with Rebecca were fine. We talked about her degree course, her friends, her parents, and my other recent car sharing experiences. Rebecca told me how she had overheard my wife telling her mother about Dave, and how he had offered to perform a sex act on me while driving down the motorway. I started laughing and told her that it was a pity he didn’t look like her otherwise I would have taken him up on it.

Rebecca just smiled before reaching across and slowly pulling down my zipper.

Unfortunately, as I have a habit of closing my eyes when I reach orgasm my recollections of the accident are sketchy at best. Although according to the police witness statements, my car had apparently drifted across the central reservation at 80 mph before hitting a truck that was travelling in the opposite direction, slicing off not only both my legs, but also Rebecca’s head, which happened to be in my lap at the time. 

Once out of hospital again, the police informed me that they would be charging me with dangerous driving and unlawful killing. But my solicitor was confident that as my wife had recently kicked me out, and I would be spending the rest of my life confined to a wheelchair, it would be very unlikely that the courts would send me to prison.

However, not only had I lost my job, my home and my wife, it was almost certain that I would be facing a heavy fine as well as losing my driving license.

Thinking about it, maybe car sharing wasn’t such a good idea after all.

The Secret Diary of Mario Marconi, Aged 43 1/4

January 1st

Well Christmas is over and the new year is already upon us. I was given a new diary as a present from Lisa this year ( I bought her a set of weights and eyelash extensions ) She told me that I should write in my new diary as often as my hectic schedule will allow. So that generations from now people will be able to fully appreciate how much I have contributed towards today’s society. I told her it was a pity she didn’t buy it back in 2006 as I could have wrote about my appearance on Ant and Dec’s Saturday night Takeaway where I was watched by over 13 million viewers. She just laughed and told me that I could still write about it if I wanted to. She has a brilliant sense of humour my Lisa.
In the end I told her I probably wouldn’t bother, as in my opinion my appearance on Ant and Dec’s Saturday night Takeaway where I was watched by over 13 million viewers was in the past and the diary should be all about my achievements in the future. Lisa agreed, and we both decided that it was best not to mention it in case it appeared boastful. As despite my successful 20 year career in the Post Office and my recent adventures into the world of celebrity, I’m a very down to earth person, and hopefully I will be able to keep my feet on the ground for many years to come.

Updated my facebook profile and added two new friends. Applied to go on Countdown.

January 8th

Today Lisa and I spent most of the morning exercising in the garden. We had been out there just over an hour when I noticed Jack from next door watching us curiously from his kitchen window. Naturally I assumed he was impressed by my physique and fitness levels. So once we had finished I went over and I explained to him about how vital it is to exercise daily to maintain a healthy heart and mind, and how if he wanted I could provide him with a regular work out schedule to help get his body back into shape. He told me he wasn’t interested in a work out schedule, and that he had just been wondering why Lisa and I hadn’t waited until it had stopped snowing. In the end I just made him a cup of tea and gave him a signed photo, and he seemed happy enough. He just laughed and told me he would add it his collection before telling me to leave.
Bless him, Jack may be 87 but he still has a brilliant sense of humour.

Updated my facebook profile and requested to become friends with Antony McPartlin. Applied to go on Deal or no Deal.

January 15th

I thought that somebody was going to ask for my autograph today, but it turned out to be just a young girl trying to attract the attention of her friend Maria, who was standing next to me in the vegetable aisle in Tesco’s by shouting out “Maria, is that you?“ In a very loud voice. It was an easy mistake to make, especially in the hustle and bustle of a busy supermarket so I didn’t really mind. Although the two girls completely failed to see the funny side when I tried to explain to them about the case of mistaken identity, and how because I’ve appeared on the television and have quite a large fan base in the area, I had naturally assumed she had recognised me. I think they just thought I was some kind of pervert. While I freely admit that shopping in just a pair of shorts is quite unusual, especially during the height of winter, to me it’s all about comfort and convenience. In the end the two girls became so abusive that I tried to calm things down by offering them each a signed photograph. However that just seemed to make things worse and unfortunately I had to have them both removed from the store, as in my opinion they were fast becoming a danger to the health and safety of other Tesco users.


Eventually after being apologised to by the manager I was able to finish my shopping in peace. And I was amazed to discover that once again the amount of money Lisa had given me matched perfectly with the cost of the items on her shopping list. that’s 2 weeks in a row now. She’s very good at that sort of thing my Lisa.

Updated my facebook profile and requested to become friends with Declan Donnelly. Applied to go on Celebrity Family Fortunes.

January 18th

After watching Rocky 2 on DVD again last night. I woke up his morning and felt inspired to go for a bit of a jog round the neighbourhood. It was a pleasant enough run all in all, although I was a little disappointed that despite my encouragement none of the local children were willing to jog along behind me. I can only assume that children these days are more interested in playing with their Nintendo’s than following the examples of an inspirational role model.


Then, later in the day. Lisa and I had just settled down to supper while listening to the news on the local radio, when we heard a report that a large group of teenagers were brawling outside “The Cock Inn Dog” in the town centre. So Lisa made me a flask, and without a thought for my own safety I leapt into my Grand Cherokee Jeep and sped to the scene to offer my assistance. In the end though it was a completely wasted journey, as the police seemed to have everything under control by the time I arrived. However despite my disappointment the officer in charge thanked me for my vigilance before sending me on my way. He even joked that if there were any other outbreaks of violence in the area I would be the first person they would call. Bless him, he may have a thankless job but it was good to see he had managed to retain a brilliant sense of humour. Although I’m not sure how he is going to contact me as in the excitement he must have forgotten to ask for my number. Still, as Lisa said I can always drop it around the station in the morning.


Updated my facebook profile and requested to become friends with Noel Edmonds. Applied to go on The X Factor.

January 23rd

Took the dog for a walk this morning and I was pleasantly surprised to be asked for an autograph by a little old lady who was waiting at the bus stop near the tanning salon. She said she couldn’t believe she had actually met me in person and asked me when I was going to be on the telly again. I joked that I would be back on the telly as soon as Ant and Dec replied to one of my letters. She laughed and told me I had a brilliant sense of humour before asking me if I was going to be making anymore Rocky films. Bless, the poor old girl was obviously a bit confused, which probably explained why she was waiting at the bus stop in just her nightie and slippers during a thunderstorm. Still, It’s meeting fans like this that really makes my day. So I gave her a signed photo and a peppermint and carried on with my walk. She would probably tell all her friends about how she’d met me once she got home. As i would tell Lisa.

Updated my facebook profile and added 1 new friend. Applied to go on Bargain Hunt.

January 30th


Lisa and I drove down to the city centre today to do a bit of shopping. I really enjoy going into the city as it gives me an opportunity to meet and greet the public, and as Lisa is always reminding me, it‘s important not to forget the little people on the way up. After we had finished I was standing outside the public facilities while Lisa went to fetch the Grand Jeep Cherokee, when I noticed a little old man in a wheelchair waiting patiently near the side of the road for a break in the traffic. Naturally I approached him and offered to be of assistance. Unfortunately the man was deaf and dumb and although I had always assumed I would be able to understand sign language, I just couldn’t comprehend a word he was saying. So eventually I just told him in a very loud voice that he was not to worry, before wheeling him safely across to the other side. Bless, the old man was so grateful that he immediately burst into tears and began frantically waving his arms around to thank me, but I just told him there was no need before giving him a signed photo and sending him happily on his way.


Later, as Lisa and I were driving home we heard a news report about an old man going missing in the city centre. Apparently his daughter had popped in to use the public facilities and when she returned just two minutes later the man had completely disappeared. It really saddens me when I hear stories like that so I told Lisa to immediately turn the Grand Jeep Cherokee around and take me back into the city to help with the search, but Lisa told me, no. she said that I cant possibly help everyone no matter how hard I try or how good my intentions are. I suppose she’s right really. After all, there is only so much that anybody can do to help, even the likes of me.


Updated my facebook profile. Applied to become friends with David Dickinson.

BB9 Highlights, Day 23

DAY 23
09.34 AM
Some of the housemates are still in bed. Luke, Mohammed and Mohammed’s hair are in the kitchen making breakfast. Mohammed is making himself six slices of toast and three burgers, while Luke is standing behind him with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner, before rushing off to tell Dale and Jennifer exactly what has been going on. Mario and Lisa are in the bathroom. Mario is inflating Lisa with a foot pump while continually winking at the camera. Mario has been inflating Lisa with a foot pump while continually winking at the camera for 17 minutes.

11.12 AM
Mikey is in the bathroom washing his penis in a cup while trimming his pubic hair with a knife and fork. Mikey has been in the bathroom trimming his pubic hair with a knife and fork for 1 hour and 8 minutes. Most of the other housemates are in the luxury bedroom discussing last nights incident. Dennis is telling everybody how proud he is of how he conducted himself during the argument, as at the end of the day he has a big heart, and how he managed to retain his dignity by spitting in Mohammed’s face for no particular reason while p1ssed out of his skull. Sylvia, Jennifer, Dale, Rebecca, Stuart and Luke, all agree with him. Telling Dennis that he has done nothing wrong, and how they hope that Rex and Mohammed are forced to leave the house for thoughtlessly provoking the incident by touching Jennifer’s painting.

1.15 PM
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Big Brother has announced that Dennis has managed to retain his dignity by being removed from the house while wearing nothing but his underpants.
As Darnell begins moving menacingly around the room shouting “ Damned right because spitting is wrong, spitting is wrong.” Sylvia and Jennifer uncontrollably burst into tears for the cameras, and begin beating the ground in frustration at the injustice of it all. While Dale, Rebecca, Stuart and Luke, nervously tell the rest of the housemates that Dennis deserved to be removed as he did a very bad thing, and how they hope that Rex and Mohammed are allowed to stay, as in their opinion they didn’t do anything whatsoever to provoke last nights incident.

2.55 PM
Some of the housemates are in the kitchen. Dale and Stuart are hiding in the walk in wardrobe after discovering that Darnell was looking for them 56 minutes ago. Sylvia and Rebecca are in the diary room discussing Alex and Dennis. Sylvia is keeping it real by telling Big Brother how pleased she is that Alex and Dennis have been removed from the house, as even though they were her best friends she felt intimidated by their constant bullying and strong arm tactics, and how because of them she was unable to allow her true personality to shine through. Big Brother asks Rebecca how she feels about Alex and Dennis being removed? Rebecca is about to answer when Sylvia interrupts and informs Big Brother that Rebecca feels exactly the same way as she does. Because Rebecca knows that it is wrong to bully and intimidate the weaker housemates and how everyone has the right to their own opinion, even the likes of her.

3.24 PM
Sylvia and Rebecca are in the garden. Sylvia is keeping it real by badgering Rebecca to get her t1ts out and go and jump in the pool. Luke, Mikey, Mario and Lisa are in the bedroom talking. Lisa is massaging Mario’s buttocks, while Mario is applauding Mikey and telling him how clever he is after watching him getting dressed in Sylvia’s clothes all by himself. Mario tells Mikey how proud he is of him, and that although he has only been under his guidance for a few short weeks, he feels confident that he is almost ready to be released back into society. Mikey thanks them both for their support during his stay the house, telling them that he feels a lot safer knowing they are around, before slipping on some of Lisa’s massage oil and smashing his head firmly against the bedroom wall. Luke, who has been watching from the doorway, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner, before rushing off to tell Sylvia and Stuart exactly what has been going on.

4.07 PM
Dale and Jennifer are in the garden mumbling. Dale is telling Jennifer that he thinks that he likes her, but feels unable to tell her that he likes her until he finds out exactly how she feels about him as he thinks that she might like Stuart too. Jennifer tells dale that although Stuart is her ideal man with a perfect body and a charismatic personality she doesn’t think that she fancies him, and that it doesn’t matter anyway as she feels unable to commit herself to a relationship with a man until she finds out exactly how he feels about her. Dale agrees with her and tells her that although he thinks he likes her, he has a girlfriend on the outside so feels unable to commit himself to a relationship with her until he finds out how she feels about him. Jennifer tells dale she knows exactly what he means and admits that she might possibly like him if he admits that he might possibly like her too. Dale tells Jennifer that he’s glad they have finally got things sorted out between them. Jennifer agrees, telling Dale that its always best to get your feelings out into the open.
Big Brother and the watching nation sigh very deeply.

5.12 PM
Some of the housemates are in the bedroom. Sylvia is keeping it real by hiding two packets of biscuits and Mikey’s cane in the walk in wardrobe. Rex, Kathreya, Mohammed and Mohammed’s hair are in the ashtray talking. Mohammed, who is smoking a cigarette while drinking a can of lager, and wearing a Basque and high heels, is complaining that there is not enough Halal meat left in the house, and how because of this he feels he is betraying his Muslim beliefs. Kathreya tells Mohammed that she knows exactly how he feels as she is already eaten her last cookie, and how her tummy is lumbling velly noisily, and that she is velly velly hungly. Rex tells him them both not to worry as he is an accomplished chef who over the years has prepared meals for thousands of different people, and how the shopping list he ordered earlier in the week will be perfectly adequate to cover the housemates varying food requirements.

5.15 PM
Rex is in the storeroom checking if there are any fruit and vegetables left behind the 17 sacks of Tarragon and Rosemary he ordered earlier in the week. Luke, who has been watching from the doorway, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Mario and Lisa exactly what has been going on.

6.10 PM
All of the housemates have been gathered together. Big Brother has instructed the housemates to give the house a thorough spring cleaning as certain health and safety issues have come to light that urgently need attending to. As Mario nods his head in agreement and the rest of the housemates start moaning and groaning. Rachel grabs her umbrella and announces that they are not to worry as a thorough spring cleaning can be jolly good fun, and begins singing a rousing version of "A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down." as she and the other housemates move around the house, singing and dancing, and watching the contents of each room magically come to life and tidy themselves away in the cupboards.

7.03 PM
Rachel is in the kitchen mopping the floor while singing a rousing version of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! when Mario, Lisa and Mikey enter from the garden. Lisa is massaging Mario’s ego as Mario tells Rachel that she needs to leave the kitchen as Mikey is hungry, and as Mikey is hungry he needs to be fed immediately as blind people are special and need to be treated differently from everybody else. Mikey thanks Mario and Lisa for their support during his stay in the house, telling them that he feels a lot safer knowing they are around. Before slipping on the recently mopped floor, flying ar$e over t1t, and banging his head firmly against the oven door. Luke, who has been watching from the garden, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Darnell and Kathreya exactly what has been going on.

7.25 PM.
Some of the housemates are in the lounge. Mohammed is in the garden eating 4 pieces of toast while combing his hair with a pitchfork. Kathreya is in the diary room talking to Big Brother. Kathreya is telling Big Brother how nice everybody is, and how nice it is to be in the house with all her very nice new friends as they are all very nice people who she likes very much. Big Brother asks Kathreya if there is anybody in the house that she doesn’t think is nice? Kathreya tells Big Brother, no, no, no, and that
although Mohammed eat too much food, Wex is too bossy and Dennis spit on Mohammed, at least he spit in a nice way, as deep down inside they are all velly nice people, who she like to love for long
time for only five American dollar.
Kathreya has been in the diary room telling Big Brother how nice everybody is for the past 1 hour and 45 minutes.

8.14 PM.
Luke and Rebecca are in the garden. Luke is mincing around the pool while screaming “She touched me on the bottom, she touched me on the bottom” after Rebecca accidentally touched Luke on the leg 17 minutes ago. Sylvia, Stuart and Dale are in the bedroom talking. Sylvia is keeping it real by vigorously massaging Stuarts muscular torso while straddling his waist in just her underwear. Sylvia is telling Stuart and Dale about how much Mohammed fancies her, and how he came onto her in the bathroom by offering her a taste of his Halal meat while he was eating a burger in the shower. Dale immediately gets lairy, and tells Sylvia and Stuart that he is off to tell Mohammed exactly what he thinks of him before storming out of the room. Sylvia then tells Stuart how offended she was by Mohammed’s comments, as she has a boyfriend in the outside world and she would never dream of betraying him by flirting with any of the housemates. Stuart agrees and tells her she has nothing to worry about as she hasn’t done anything wrong, before asking Sylvia if she wouldn’t mind removing her hand from his penis as he doesn’t feel comfortable being masturbated on national TV.

9.55 PM.
Dale is hiding in the walk in wardrobe after discovering that Darnell wanted a quiet word with him 38 minutes ago. All of the other housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Mikey is sat on the sofa picking his nose with a spoon when Davina announces that Sylvia is the second person to be evicted from the Big Brother house. As Darnell begins moving menacingly around the room shouting “Damned right, because lying is wrong, lying is wrong,“ Sylvia and Jennifer uncontrollably burst into tears for the cameras, and begin beating the ground in frustration at the injustice of it all. While Mohammed and Rex high five each other and smugly congratulate themselves on a job well done.

11.30 PM
Sylvia has been evicted from the Big Brother house. Luke, who earlier in the week nominated Sylvia, is telling everybody how staggered he is that Sylvia has been evicted as she was such a nice person and his sixth best friend in the house, and how he hopes that everybody who nominated her are proud of themselves as she didn’t deserve to go. Mario is in the diary room talking to Big Brother about last nights incident. Mario is telling Big Brother not to worry about further disagreements, as he is a people person, who in the outside world managed over 500 employees and how he is there to facilitate their needs. Mario then goes on to tell Big Brother about a potential health and safety issue in the garden, and asks Big Brother to immediately drain the pool and erect a safety barrier, as Mikey is blind, and as Mikey is blind he is in constant danger falling in and drowning himself while walking around the garden.

01.45 AM
Most of the housemates are in bed. Mikey is lying unconscious in the garden after accidentally tripping over the safety barrier and banging his head at the bottom of the pool. Luke, who has been watching from the lounge, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Rex and Mohammed exactly what has been going on.

02.12 AM
Most of the housemates are asleep. Mario and Lisa are in the bathroom. Mario is deflating Lisa by slowly squeezing the air out of her while continually winking at the camera. Mario has been deflating Lisa while continually winking at the camera for 17 minutes. Darnell, Dale and Stuart are in the lounge talking. Darnell is holding Stuart against the wall with one hand while repeatedly banging Dale’s head against the coffee table with the other, while continually shouting “Damned right, because violence is wrong, violence is wrong.” Luke, who has been watching from the kitchen, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Big Brother exactly what has been going on.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

BB8 Highlights, Day 73

DAY 73
09.45am
Most of the housemates are still in bed. Carole, who late last night discovered a teaspoon with a slight blemish on the handle, is in the kitchen polishing the cutlery, while muttering under her breath. Carole has been polishing the cutlery while muttering under her breath for 1 hour and 17 minutes.

Sam and Amanda are in the bathroom talking about Brian. Earlier in the week Brian and Amanda were kissing under a blanket in the caravan. Sam is asking Amanda if Brian is a good kisser? and whether he tried to use his tongue during the kiss? Amanda and Sam look at each other in disgust and make an EURGHHH!!!! sound before giggling very loudly. Amanda then tells Sam that Brian wouldn`t do such a thing, as he is a very nice boy, and that tongue kissing is for dirty people. Sam then tells Amanda that she has heard that lots of boys kiss using their tongues, as it can be very romantic. Sam and Amanda look at each other in disgust again, before once more making an EURGHHH!!!! sound and pretending to be sick in on the floor. After pretending to be sick Sam starts to look confused, and tells Amanda, that as Big Brother has now made them one housemate, does that mean that they are both going out with Brian at the same time. Amanda tells Sam she doesn`t know, and suggests that they both go and ask Big Brother, Sam agrees, before taking hold of Amanda`s hand, and skipping away playfully to the diary room.

11.15am
Most of the housemates are in the garden. Tracey is in the caravan. Proper Avin it, and keeping it real, by having a nice cup of tea and a slice of cake with the Crowman.

Jonty is in the diary room, crouching behind the diary room chair, speaking in his Munkety Tunkety voice, while Munkety Tunkety talks to Big Brother. Munkety Tunkety is telling Big Brother how he is thinking about leaving the house. Because although he cares for Jonty very much, he came onto the show to be his own person, and he feels that by being so close to Jonty, he is alienating himself from the rest of the housemates. As whenever he and Jonty are engaged in a conversation with someone, Jonty will invariably embarrass them both by laughing at inappropriate moments, and behaving in a childlike manner. Big Brother advises Munkety Tunkety to talk things over with Jonty, before making a final decision about leaving. Jonty, who is now speaking in his own voice, agrees with Big Brother, and tells Munkety Tunkety that from now on he will try to act more like an adult, before burping very loudly, breaking wind, and then rolling around on the floor while giggling like a schoolboy.

1.54pm
Some of the housemates are in the lounge. Amy and Liam are in the bedroom talking about Carole. Earlier in the week, Amy, Kara Louise and Jonty were shown the nominations, during which Carole nominated Amy because she felt she was a bit of a slapper, who would quite willingly go to any lengths to further her career. Amy is naked apart from her panties, and is walking around the room continually jiggling her enormous breasts up and down in front of the Liam`s face, while telling him that she still can`t believe Carole would say such things. As since she arrived all she has ever tried to be is herself. Liam agrees with Amy, before asking her if he can have a quick squeeze of her t1ts like? Amy takes Liam`s hands and places them on her breasts while telling him that despite what Carole said. She is not a slapper, and there are definitely some lengths she will not go to just to further her career as a glamour model. Before licking her finger and popping it in and out of his mouth, while staring seductively into his eyes.
Liam, and the writer of this spoiler have each had an erection for 14 minutes.

3.10pm
Sam and Amanda are splashing around in the pool. Liam, Brian, Ziggy and Tracey are in the smoking area talking about sex. Liam tells them that the first time he had sex was when he was 12 years old, and that although he didn`t really understand what was happening, it was still a canny experience like, and he really enjoyed it.
Ziggy then tells them that he lost his virginity at 15, and how it was, you know, an incredibly tender and wonderful experience for them both, and that he really cared about her, and how he cried at least 4 times after she left.
Tracey then tells them that the first time she was Proper Aving it, was at the age of 31, after plying the local down and out with alcohol and dragging him reluctantly back to her caravan. She then tells them that despite her expectations, it was a truly awful, stomach churning experience, and that she didn`t enjoy it very much either.
Liam, Ziggy and Tacey then ask Brian when he lost his virginity? Brian starts laughing nervously while staring at Amanda and tells them that he hopes it will be soon. Before calling them a bunch of doughnuts, telling them to shut up, and running away to hide in the bedroom.

4.55pm
Kara Louise is sitting on her own in the kitchen, giggling nervously while playing with her hair, and is not quite sure what to do with herself.

Sam, Amanda and Carole are in the bedroom talking. Earlier in the day Big Brother informed the twins that as they are now classed as one housemate, both of them have to attend any future dates with Brian. As both Sam and Amanda have a date with Brian this evening, Carole is explaining to them about the birds and the bees. Carole tells Sam and Amanda that when two people love each other very much. They will often try to enjoy intimate knowledge of each other when they are alone. Amanda and Sam tell Carole that they don`t know what she means? So Carole explains to them that when a man and woman are on a date, the man will often try touch their lumpy bits, before attempting to insert his penis into their special secret place. Amanda and Sam look at each other in disgust, and make an EURGHHH!!!! sound, before giggling very loudly. Carole then tells them that if Brian tries to do that, they must insist he wears a condom on his penis, because if Brian manages to find his way inside their special secret places, they may both end up expecting a baby. Sam and Amanda look at each other in disgust again, before once more making an EURGHHH!!!! sound, and pretending to be sick in on the floor. Sam and Amanda then tell Carole that now she is being silly, as everyone knows you can`t get pregnant the first time, and besides there isn`t even a stork living in the house. Before taking each others hand, and skipping away playfully to the garden.

7.55pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Jonty, Munkety Tunkety and Gerry are in the garden talking about the effects of homosexuality on Greek culture during the 9th century, specifically between the years of 842ad and 848ad. While Gerry believes the effects of homosexuality on Greek culture during the 9th century, specifically between the years of 842ad and 848ad, was in fact, not very good. Jonty firmly believes that homosexuality had the opposite effect, and actually enhanced the countries cultural status during that period. Especially during the year 847ad when the cultural status of Greece hit an all time high. Gerry Disagrees and is about to make a very interesting point to back up his argument, when Jonty suddenly burps very loudly, breaks wind, and then begins rolling around on the floor while giggling like a schoolboy. Gerry tells Jonty that he is absolutely disgusting, and asks him how they are supposed to have a serious conversation when he insists on acting so immaturely. Jonty then begins speaking in his Munkety Tunkety voice, and tells himself that he is a complete embarrassment, and how he is going to speak to Big Brother again about leaving. Before Jonty stretches his Munkety Tunkety arm out in front of him and marches off to the diary room, with Jonty following close behind, while pretending that he really doesn`t want to go.
Gerry who is watching begins shaking his head, and tells his monkey that Jonty is an idiot, before stroking his monkeys belly and asking him what he would like for tea?

9.25pm
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge as Davina announces that Amy is the next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house. While Liam begins to console her, Amy becomes so upset that she immediately removes all of her clothes and begins jiggling her enormous breasts up and down in front of the camera. Amy tells Liam that she is going to miss him, and that despite what people said, she has only ever tried to be herself while in the house, and that she wasn`t after his money, or using him as a stepping stone to further her career as a glamour model. Liam nods his head, before asking Amy if he can have one last squeeze of her t1ts before she leaves, as he thinks she has a canny pair of knockers on her like. Amy agrees, before taking Liam`s hands and placing them on her enormous breasts, while staring seductively into his eyes. As Tracey and Carole walk out of the room while shaking their heads in disgust. Brian, Ziggy, Jonty, and Tonkety Wonkety, all begin to form an orderly queue behind Liam, while slowly rubbing their hands together.

12.34am
Amy has been evicted from the Big Brother house. Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Kara Louise is sitting on her own in the kitchen, giggling nervously and playing with her hair, while looking completely lost.
Carole who early yesterday morning spotted a dead fly in the pool. Is in the garden removing the water with a bucket. Before refilling the bucket in the bathtub, and sieving the water back into the pool, while muttering under her breath. Carole has been refilling the pool, while muttering under her breath for 1 hours and 24 minutes.

02.45am
Amanda, Sam and Brian are in the caravan with a blanket over their heads. Amanda, and Sam are telling Brian that they have had a very nice date, but they really have to go bed soon, otherwise they will wake up all grumpy in the morning. Brian tells Amanda and Sam that they can`t go to bed yet because they haven`t given him a kiss goodnight. Amanda and Sam make an EURGHHH!!!! sound before giggling very loudly, and tell Brian that he can have one kiss from each of them on the cheek. Brian then asks Amanda and Sam if they would like to say hello to his python before they go to bed? Amanda and Sam start clapping excitedly, and tell Brian that they didn`t know you were allowed to bring pets into the house, but that they would very much like to meet his python, and would they be allowed to give it a quick stroke? Brian starts laughing, and tells Amanda and Sam to shut up, before quickly undoing his zipper.

02.58am
Amanda and Sam are running around the garden making an EURGHHH!!! sound while giggling very loudly and telling Brian that he is a very rude boy. Brian is standing at the caravan door, with his erection hanging out of his trousers, laughing very loudly and telling Amanda and Sam that they are a right couple of doughnuts and to get back inside. Amanda and Sam tell Brian no way are they going back inside until he puts his python away, before giggling very loudly and pretending to throw up in the bushes.
Amanda and Sam have been running around the garden and pretending to throw up in the bushes for 12 1/2 minutes.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

BB8Highlights, Day 59

DAY 59
08.32am
Most of the housemates are asleep. Ziggy and Chanelle are in bed together. Chanelle is naked and vigorously riding up and down on top of Ziggy, while Ziggy is continually asking her who is the daddy? Chanelle informs him that he is the daddy, before telling Ziggy that she really hopes that the cameras cant see them, as the footage of her having sex, live on national television, would be rather embarrassing for her watching family and friends. Ziggy tells Chanelle that they are not doing anything wrong, and she has no reason to worry about shaming herself, as Big Brother has no interest in their relationship, and the cameras are actually focusing on the rest of the housemates sleeping in their beds. Chanelle thanks him for putting her mind at rest, before once again riding him like Lester Piggot.

10.55am
Some of the housemates are in the caravan. Tracey is in the garden, proper Aving it, and keeping it real, by crawling on her hands and knees in the smoking area, searching for a dimp.

Gerry, and the twins are lying in bed discussing Carole, who has been busy cleaning the lounge for 1 hour and 45 minutes. Gerry tells the twins that Carole does too much work around the house, and she should really ask Charley to contribute more, as it isn’t fair to expect everybody else to do it. Amanda tells Gerry that Charley is clearly Carole’s favourite, as she continually got away with doing no work at all during her stay in the house, while people like her, Sam and Gerry are expected to do everything. Gerry agrees with her, and is telling them that just because they spend most of the day in bed, it doesn’t mean they are lazy, when Carole enters from the lounge.
Carole asks the Gerry, Sam, and Amanda if one of them would like to help wash the dishes, as she needs to clean the bathroom, and wash and dry everybody’s clothes in readiness for tonight eviction. Gerry and the twins tell Carole that they would really love to help but they are far too busy right now, before pulling the bedclothes over their heads and pretending to be asleep by snoring very loudly.
Carole sighs very deeply and re-enters the lounge.

12.54pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Charley and Brian are in the bedroom arguing about which one of them is the stupidest. Charley tells Brian that she is the stupidest as despite all the evidence to the contrary she firmly believes she is very popular in the outside world. Brian tells charley that she doesn’t know what she is talking about, because he is so stupid, he thought Shakespeare was something a tribesman did when he became annoyed. Charley picks up a glass of water and is about to throw it at Brian, when Sam enters from the lounge and asks them what they would like for lunch today? Scrambled egg on toast, or some cereal? Charley and Brian inform Sam that scrambled egg on toast would be very enjoyable, before once again, continuing their argument after Sam has returned to the lounge

2.10pm
Liam and the twins are laughing and joking in the pool. Liam is throwing the twins up in the air and them catching them, while sliding them slowly up and down his body, in an innocent and playful manner. Liam has had an erection for 23 minutes.

Ziggy and Chanelle are in the bathroom. Ziggy is in sitting on the floor in the shower, asking Chanelle if he is the daddy? While Chanelle is leaning across Ziggy with her head in his lap, nodding up and down enthusiastically. Chanelle pauses momentarily and tells Ziggy that she really hopes the cameras aren’t watching, as she would hate to degrade herself while on national television. Ziggy tells Chanelle that she has no need to worry, as the Big Brother cameras cannot see through the shower room door, and that he would never ask her to do anything that would embarrass her in front of her family and friends. Chanelle thanks him for putting her mind at rest, before once again putting her head in his lap, and enthusiastically agreeing with everything he says.

4.34pm
Charley and Tracey are in the caravan talking about tonight’s eviction. Charley is telling Tracey that she still cant believe she has been nominated, as she never lies, and she is far and away the most popular housemate in the history of Big Brother. Tracey tells Charley that it could possibly be because she has been arguing so much with the rest of the house during her stay. Charley tells Tracey that she hasn’t argued with anybody, apart from Chanelle, Ziggy, Liam, Brian, Gerry, the twins, Carole, Nicky, Laura, Billi, Jonathon, Emily, Lesley, Seany, Shabnam, Davina, Big Brother, 14 of the cameramen, and the driver of the car that delivered her to the Big Brother house. Tracey tells Charley that whichever one of them leaves, she is glad that she and Charley are friends, and that she hopes they stay in touch once they have both been evicted. Charley tells Tracey, that she isn’t being funny; but that she wouldn’t be seen dead with somebody like her in the outside world. Before giving Tracey a hug and asking her if she would like to come outside for a cigarette, and a friendly gossip.

5.15pm
Most of the housemates are in the garden. Gerry is in the diary room talking to Big Brother about the possibility of introducing some new housemates. Gerry tells Big Brother that he has become so sexually frustrated during his time in the house that he is actually beginning to find Carole attractive. Big Brother asks Gerry what kind of housemates he would like to see introduced. Gerry jokingly tells Big Brother that he has become so desperate for sex, that he would quite willingly settle for a weird Scottish bisexual wearing a skirt, or even an overweight, balding middle aged virgin, who’s buttocks he could spank on a nightly basis.
Big Brother tells Gerry they will consider his request and get back to him.

6.01pm
Some of the housemates are in the bedroom. Liam is lay on his bed, while Sam and Amanda are giving him a massage whilst wearing their bikinis. Liam has had an erection for 4 minutes. Liam has just turned over, and is tickling the twins in an innocent and playful manner, when Carole enters from the lounge. Carole asks Liam and the twins if one of them would like to help prepare the meal. As she still wants to vacuum the bedroom, and scrub out the bath in readiness for tonight's eviction. Liam and the twins tell Carole that would love to help only they are very busy right now. Before yawning very loudly, stretching their arms, telling Carole they are all tuckered out and quickly climbing under the covers.
Carole sighs very deeply before re-entering the lounge.


6.55pm
Most of the housemates are in the garden. Ziggy and Chanelle are in the caravan. Chanelle is naked and hanging from the caravan ceiling, while Ziggy is standing in front of her, holding her buttocks, moving her up and down, and continually asking her who is the daddy? Chanelle tells Ziggy that he is the daddy, before asking him if he is sure the cameras cant see them? As she doesn’t wish to gain herself a reputation of being easy, once she leaves the Big Brother house. Ziggy assures Chanelle that her reputation is perfectly safe, as nobody can see them, but tells her he will close the blinds on the window, just to be on the safe side. Chanelle thanks Ziggy for being so considerate, before once again wrapping her ankles around his back, and screaming like a Banshee.

7.23pm
Most of the housemates are getting dressed. Charley and Brian are in the bathroom arguing about Emily. Charley tells Brian that despite what she said to her, Emily was a very nice person, with a really gorgeous ar$e. Brian tells Charley that he doesn’t care how gorgeous her ar$e was, because he still wouldn’t like to have her as a friend due to her racist comment. Charley calls Brian an ar$ehole, before leaping on him and grappling him to the floor. Charley and Brian are rolling around the floor, with their hands around each other’s throats, when Sam enters and asks them both if they would like a nice cup of tea once they are finished? Charley and Brian tell Sam that a cup of tea would be lovely, before once again resuming their fight once Sam has left.

9.22pm
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge, and are seated on the sofa’s chanting GET CHARLEY OUT. When Davina announces that Charley is the sixth person to be evicted, and Big Brothers ratings immediately drop by 30%. Charley leaps up and begins telling everyone, that she isn’t lying, and that she really isn’t bovvered about leaving, because she knows how popular she is in the outside world, and that she is going to make a million pounds anyway. While the rest of the housemates, lead by Chanelle. Form a conga line and begin dancing around the house.

10.40pm
Charley has left the Big Brother house. To help counteract the 30% drop in ratings, Big Brother has locked the remaining housemates in the bedroom. While 5 new potential housemates enter the halfway house next door.

David Parnaby. A 25-year-old Scottish pagan bisexual
Shanessa O Reilly. A 27 year old, very strangely shaped woman from Cardiff.
Kara Louise Horne. A 22-year-old smiley woman from Harrow, who looks nothing like Mariah Carey.
Jonty Stern. A 36-year-old virgin from London, who likes to speak fluent Yiddish, while spanking his teddy.
Amy Alexandra. A 21-year-old shelf stacker, who likes to get naked in front of the cameras.

Big Brother once again gathers the housemates in the lounge, before calling David to the diary room, and telling him that he will be spending a trial period in the main house. Chanelle, the twins, and Gerry instantly begin leaping around the room in orgasmic delight, as Ziggy watches suspiciously from the sofa. While everyone is hugging David and telling him how pleased they are to see him, Carole collapses on the floor with exhaustion, and asks if anybody can help her as she is feeling absolutely shattered. While everyone is ignoring Carole and pretending she isn’t there. David approaches and tells Carole that he would love to help, but he has had a very long day, and is feeling very tired himself. Before yawning very loudly, and pretending to fall asleep on the sofa.
Carole sighs very deeply, before immediately passing out.


3.14am
Most of the housemates are asleep. Gerry is in the lounge pretending he is talking to the Australian housemates, and telling them how happy he is that Charley has been evicted, and that there are some new people in the house, before asking the Australian housemates if they would like to speak to his monkey.

Ziggy and Chanelle are in the diary room. Chanelle is naked and bent over the diary room chair while Ziggy is taking her furiously from behind, and asking her who is the daddy? Chanelle tells Ziggy that he is the daddy, and asks him if he is sure that Big Brother has gone to bed, as she cant help feeling like she is being watched, and she would hate to humiliate herself while on national television. Ziggy assures Chanelle that they are perfectly safe, as even Big Brother has to go to sleep at some time, but tells her that he will close the diary room door just to be on the safe side. Chanelle thanks Ziggy for putting her mind at rest before dropping to her knees in front of him. Ziggy is about to reach orgasm when Sam enters and asks them both if they would like a nice cup of cocoa when they have finished whatever it is they are doing. Chanelle tells Sam that a cup of cocoa would go down a treat, before once again resuming her ministrations.
Big Brother has had an erection for 24 minutes.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

BB8 Highlights, day 38

THE DIRECTORS CUT

DAY 38
09.15am
Most of the housemates are still in bed. Brian is in the garden giggling hysterically and talking to himself about Sam and Amanda. Brian has had an erection for most of the morning. Brian is asking himself which one of the twins he is the most attracted to. Brian admits that while he quite fancies Amanda, Sam is also very attractive, and because of this he finds it very difficult to choose between them. Brian then tells himself that it doesn’t really matter, as both Sam and Amanda much prefer Liam anyway. Brian then starts laughing and tells himself to behave, before asking himself to leave, as he wishes to be alone with his thought.

10.15am
Some of the housemates are in the kitchen. Ziggy and Chanelle are in the bedroom having a conversation about an argument they had the previous night. Chanelle tells Ziggy that she is pleased they have made up, as today will probably be her final day in the Big Brother house. Ziggy tells Chanelle that the only reason they argued was because she continually wants to talk about things that he told her he doesn’t want to talk about, such as smoking, Charley, and what life will be like together in the outside world. Chanelle tells Ziggy that all she had done was ask him if he was going into the garden for a cigarette. Ziggy tells Chanelle that she is doing it again, and to please stop bringing up the subject, as he doesn’t want to talk about anymore. Before pacing up and down the bedroom with his head in his hands, muttering under his breath. Chanelle looks gormlessly at Ziggy for a few seconds before apologising and promising never to mention it again.

11.15am
Gerry, Charley and the twins are in the lounge. Gerry and his teddy are on the fish phone. Talking to Gerry’s mother about how life in the house would send him completely insane, if he wasn’t able to ring her every day to tell her his troubles. Charley and Carole are in the kitchen talking. Charley is asking Carole if she can have the sweets back, that she asked Carole to hide for her earlier in the week. Carole tells Charley that she cant have them back, and that if she wanted the sweets she shouldn’t have asked her to hide them in the first place. Charley tells her that she asked her to hide them as they were hers, and she didn’t want the rest of the housemates to eat them. Carole tells her to f$$king have them then, before bursting into tears, pulling the sweets out of her pocket and throwing them on the floor in disgust. Charley tell Carole that there is no need to get upset because she wasn’t lying, before going on to tell Carole about the time she enjoyed a torrid threesome with Bugs Bunny and Elmo Fudd


12.45pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Laura is in the bathroom lay on the floor, struggling for breath after trying to go for a poo 24 minutes ago. The twins are in the bedroom. Sitting on their bed facing each other, while applying their make up, and wondering why their reflections are not moving in an identical manner.

1.34pm
Tracey, Laura and Liam are in the garden talking about Nicky. Tracey and Laura are asking Liam whether he is interested in Nicky, as it is obvious to everyone that despite what she says, she is obviously very attracted to him. Liam tells them that while he thinks Nicky is a very nice girl, she is just a little too possessive for his tastes, and how he isn’t really interested in anything more than friendship. Nicky who has been listening from behind a bush, stands up and tells Liam that she isn’t possessive at all, and she doesn’t want to be his friend as she actually thinks he is a lecherous pervert. Before dragging Tracey and Laura into the house, and threatening to rip their faces off if they ever speak to him again.

2.54pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Ziggy and Chanelle are in the caravan talking about an argument they had earlier in the day, while discussing the argument they had the previous night. Ziggy tells Chanelle that he doesn’t want to argue anymore, and the only reason they do so is because she keeps bringing up subjects he doesn’t want to talk about, and how he is certain things will be different once they are together in the outside world. Chanelle agrees, and tells him that once they are outside they will be both be a lot more relaxed about their relationship. Ziggy tells Chanelle that she is doing it again, and to please stop bringing up the subject, as he doesn’t want to talk about anymore. Before pacing up and down the caravan with his head in his hands, muttering under his breath. Chanelle looks gormlessly at Ziggy for a few seconds before apologising and promising never to mention it again

4.42pm
Brian, Gerry and the twins are in the bedroom talking. Brian is telling Gerry and the twins about the art of self-hypnosis, and how all they have to do is close their eyes, count slowly to ten, and take themselves to a happy place in their minds. The twins tell Brian that they are already in a happy place, before skipping playfully into the garden and chasing each other around the pool. Once Gerry is under hypnosis. Brian tells him that when he wakes up, he will no longer want to talk about boring stuff, such as philosophy and museums, and the book he is writing about how to chat up girls. Gerry agrees, before waking up and telling Brian about his homosexual lifestyle and the 2 thousand men he has recently slept with. Brian sighs and immediately starts counting to ten, before putting himself into a trance.

5.45pm
Most of the housemates are in the garden. Tracey is proper Aving it, and keeping it real by moving into the caravan and pretending she is back living in a car park. Liam is in the diary room talking about Nicky. Liam is telling Big Brother that at first he liked Nicky, but he has now realised she is completely obsessed with him, and how she frequently follows him around the house when he wants to be alone. Nicky who has been hiding behind the diary room chair, stands up and tells Liam that far from being obsessed with him she finds him completely repugnant, and that the only reason she follows him around the house is because they happen to be going to the same places at exactly the same time. Before calling Liam a lecherous pervert, throwing open the diary room and storming off into the lounge.

6.50pm
Charley and Carole are in the bedroom. Carole is on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor while Charley is putting on her 3rd outfit of the day. Charley is telling Carole about how popular she will be in the outside world, because she is far and away the most beautiful and entertaining housemate. Carole tells Charley, that if she is so popular, why was she booed on her way into the house, and during every eviction night so far. Charley tells Carole that in much the same way as her cousin Kieran Richardson at Manchester United. Charley is booed because she is so talented, and because all of her fans are jealous of her success. Charley then tells Carole that she isn’t lying, before going onto to tell her about the time she was spit roasted by Alex Ferguson and Christiano Ronaldo in the Old Trafford dressing rooms.

7.34pm
Most of the housemates are in the lounge. Ziggy and Chanelle are in the bedroom getting ready for tonight’s eviction. Ziggy has his fingers crossed behind his back, and is telling Chanelle that he really hopes she stays, and that if she does stay, he really hopes they can stop all the pointless bickering, and get back to how they were during their first few weeks together in the house. Chanelle agrees, and promises to never mention cigarettes, Charley, or their life together outside the house ever again, as long as it means they don’t have any more arguments. Ziggy tells Chanelle that she is doing it again, and to please stop bringing it up, as he doesn’t want to talk about anymore. Before pacing up and down the bedroom with his head in his hands, muttering under his breath.

9.25pm
All of the housemates are gathered in the lounge, when Davina announces that Laura is the next housemate to be evicted. Laura is pretending to be pleased, while everybody else is pretending to be upset. Chanelle is in shock, and starts hugging Ziggy while telling him how pleased she is that they are going to be spending at least another week together. Ziggy tells her he is pleased too, before excusing himself and entering the bedroom. Where he immediately throws himself to the floor, and begins beating the ground in frustration.

10.20pm
Laura has been evicted. All of the housemates are in the lounge. When Pauline, an actress pretending to be a contestant in the Australian Big Brother house appears on the Big Screen. Brian starts telling the others how he was watching the Australian version of Big Brother before the show started, and how he recognized her straight away. Liam and Ziggy mention how attractive she is, and are stared at by Nicky and Chanelle, who both immediately storm off into the bedroom, and begin telling telling each other about what a bitch Pauline is.

11.37pm
Most of the housemates are in bed. Gerry and his teddy are in the lounge, talking to Gerry`s mother on the fish phone, and asking her to tell them a bedtime story as hearing the sound of her voice is the only thing keeping him from going insane. Ziggy is in the garden. Frantically pacing up and down while shaking his head and muttering the words “why me” over and over again.

02.30pm
Most of the housemates are asleep. Nicky is sitting on the end of Liam`s bed, frantically rocking backwards and forwards while holding a meat cleaver.

Big Brother immediately calls Nicky to the diary room.

For more stories over the past 24-hours log onto www.channel4.com/bigbrother

You`re so vain!

So another week of Big Brother finally comes to an end. A week that started off badly for the wannabees, with yet another failed task. Though to be fair, how anybody could have expected the housemates to stay awake for 60 hours is completely beyond belief. Especially with Rip Van Laura, rallying the troops into giving up, and going back to bed, only moments after the task instructions had been delivered.

I mean 60 hours! Come on Big brother, what on earth were you thinking? Laura needs that many hours sleep every day! The poor girl complains of sleep deprivation, when she is asked to get out of bed once a week for the nominations.

Lets be honest, if it wasn’t for her regular forays to the fridge, scavenging for food, like an angry Welsh Grizzly stocking up for hibernation, Laura would rarely be seen vertical.

Then at last, after row upon row, the week finally finished on a high, with this series very first double eviction. Yes, Billi and his nose have finally gone. A man so vain he remains the only person in Britain to have his sunglasses mirrored on the inside.

I can't really say I'm sorry to see the back of Billi. There was just something not quite right about the man.

Maybe it was his technique of slithering, half naked around the house, like a cross between Gollum and Pinocchio, whispering into peoples ears about what a bitch Charley was? Or maybe it was the lizard like way, he could go for hours without ever blinking, and when he did it was usually sideways. Somehow the word "creepy" just doesn`t do Billi justice.

Still, at least now he has been evicted he can rest assured that his modeling career will finally take off. I hear Vicks Nasal Spray are already thinking of making him their new pin up boy.

The only downside I can see to Billi`s eviction is that charley will no longer have anybody decent to row with. Billi may have been the most effeminate straight man in the history of Big Brother, but at least he had balls, even if they were scented and shaven into the shape of a love heart, and he always gave as good as he got with Charley.

Who on earth will she be able to argue with now?

Ziggy and Chanelle would appear to be the two most likely candidates. Though neither of them are any match for Charley once she gets up a full head of steam. To be fair Ziggy has been making more of an effort to stand up for himself recently. Though once Charley enters full ranting mode, Ziggy usually just stares at her completely bewildered. Like a startled, floppy haired lamb, caught in the headlights of a fast moving truck, waiting for itself to get slaughtered.

To begin with I didn’t really like Charley very much, but rather like Nikki last year, the person who I found the most annoying during the first week has actually grown to become my favourite housemate.

True, much like Nikki last year, if I ever met the girl in person I would be sorely tempted to hit her repeatedly around the head with a large house brick, while telling her to shut the f$$k up! But there is no denying that as far as value for money goes; there is nobody else in the house that even comes close.

It’s no wonder Big Brother are doing everything in their power to keep her in, if Charley were to be evicted what would we have left to entertain us during the rest of the summer?

Carole, and her ever-increasing towel, and Jonathon fixations?

Jerry, and his creepy homosexual anecdotes, while stroking his little bear in full view of the cameras?

The non-existent love affairs, between Ziggy and Chanelle, and Liam and Nicky?

Tracey, the walking talking doll?

I am convinced somebody just pulls Tracey`s cord every morning, and points her in the direction of the smoking area, while she continually spouts a series of pre programmed catchphrases, like “Proper avin it!” “Just deal with it man!” and “Has anybody seen my hair straighteners?”

No, if Charley were to leave, all that would be left to entertain us, would be The Twins and Brian’s erections.

I do actually like Brian. He may be so stupid that even Jade Goody accuses him of being a thick tw$t, but at least he appears to be genuine. Unless of course you were to ask him about his age?

19 years old? Who on earth does he think he's fooling? There is about as much chance of Brian being 19 than there is of Laura being crowned the Welsh slimmer of the year, or of Tree Surgeon Liam showing Nicky his wood, and asking her to perform a delicate operation.

But aside from that blatant lie, Brian’s honesty should see him go far. I don’t think I could imagine Jonathon or Liam, or Gerry or Ziggy, waking up in the morning and announcing to the rest of the house that they had just wet the bed.

Not that you could really blame Brian for his little accident. Forced to spend a night in a caravan with Charley, not only would I have wet the bed, I would have probably emptied my bowels as well.

Which leaves us with Sam and Amanda, the psychopathetic, all singing, all dancing twins. Was anybody actually surprised to see them pass the telepathy task? Surely if two people share the same brain cell they are bound to know what each other are thinking?

I do like the twins, and for purely personal reasons I really do hope they make it to the final week. After all it’s a lot easier to fantasise about people when you are watching them on the television every night. I have even composed them a couple of little songs, just in case they actually win Big Brother, and wish to thank me in person for my undying support.
They go something like this,

We're the Twins,
We're very rich,
We want to make a Frasier sandwich!

Or how about?

we`re the Twins,
And we`re simple,
We want to play with Frasiers winkle!


Ahem! I’ll get my coat!