DAY 23
09.34 AM
Some of the housemates are still in bed. Luke, Mohammed and Mohammed’s hair are in the kitchen making breakfast. Mohammed is making himself six slices of toast and three burgers, while Luke is standing behind him with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner, before rushing off to tell Dale and Jennifer exactly what has been going on. Mario and Lisa are in the bathroom. Mario is inflating Lisa with a foot pump while continually winking at the camera. Mario has been inflating Lisa with a foot pump while continually winking at the camera for 17 minutes.
11.12 AM
Mikey is in the bathroom washing his penis in a cup while trimming his pubic hair with a knife and fork. Mikey has been in the bathroom trimming his pubic hair with a knife and fork for 1 hour and 8 minutes. Most of the other housemates are in the luxury bedroom discussing last nights incident. Dennis is telling everybody how proud he is of how he conducted himself during the argument, as at the end of the day he has a big heart, and how he managed to retain his dignity by spitting in Mohammed’s face for no particular reason while p1ssed out of his skull. Sylvia, Jennifer, Dale, Rebecca, Stuart and Luke, all agree with him. Telling Dennis that he has done nothing wrong, and how they hope that Rex and Mohammed are forced to leave the house for thoughtlessly provoking the incident by touching Jennifer’s painting.
1.15 PM
All of the housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Big Brother has announced that Dennis has managed to retain his dignity by being removed from the house while wearing nothing but his underpants.
As Darnell begins moving menacingly around the room shouting “ Damned right because spitting is wrong, spitting is wrong.” Sylvia and Jennifer uncontrollably burst into tears for the cameras, and begin beating the ground in frustration at the injustice of it all. While Dale, Rebecca, Stuart and Luke, nervously tell the rest of the housemates that Dennis deserved to be removed as he did a very bad thing, and how they hope that Rex and Mohammed are allowed to stay, as in their opinion they didn’t do anything whatsoever to provoke last nights incident.
2.55 PM
Some of the housemates are in the kitchen. Dale and Stuart are hiding in the walk in wardrobe after discovering that Darnell was looking for them 56 minutes ago. Sylvia and Rebecca are in the diary room discussing Alex and Dennis. Sylvia is keeping it real by telling Big Brother how pleased she is that Alex and Dennis have been removed from the house, as even though they were her best friends she felt intimidated by their constant bullying and strong arm tactics, and how because of them she was unable to allow her true personality to shine through. Big Brother asks Rebecca how she feels about Alex and Dennis being removed? Rebecca is about to answer when Sylvia interrupts and informs Big Brother that Rebecca feels exactly the same way as she does. Because Rebecca knows that it is wrong to bully and intimidate the weaker housemates and how everyone has the right to their own opinion, even the likes of her.
3.24 PM
Sylvia and Rebecca are in the garden. Sylvia is keeping it real by badgering Rebecca to get her t1ts out and go and jump in the pool. Luke, Mikey, Mario and Lisa are in the bedroom talking. Lisa is massaging Mario’s buttocks, while Mario is applauding Mikey and telling him how clever he is after watching him getting dressed in Sylvia’s clothes all by himself. Mario tells Mikey how proud he is of him, and that although he has only been under his guidance for a few short weeks, he feels confident that he is almost ready to be released back into society. Mikey thanks them both for their support during his stay the house, telling them that he feels a lot safer knowing they are around, before slipping on some of Lisa’s massage oil and smashing his head firmly against the bedroom wall. Luke, who has been watching from the doorway, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner, before rushing off to tell Sylvia and Stuart exactly what has been going on.
4.07 PM
Dale and Jennifer are in the garden mumbling. Dale is telling Jennifer that he thinks that he likes her, but feels unable to tell her that he likes her until he finds out exactly how she feels about him as he thinks that she might like Stuart too. Jennifer tells dale that although Stuart is her ideal man with a perfect body and a charismatic personality she doesn’t think that she fancies him, and that it doesn’t matter anyway as she feels unable to commit herself to a relationship with a man until she finds out exactly how he feels about her. Dale agrees with her and tells her that although he thinks he likes her, he has a girlfriend on the outside so feels unable to commit himself to a relationship with her until he finds out how she feels about him. Jennifer tells dale she knows exactly what he means and admits that she might possibly like him if he admits that he might possibly like her too. Dale tells Jennifer that he’s glad they have finally got things sorted out between them. Jennifer agrees, telling Dale that its always best to get your feelings out into the open.
Big Brother and the watching nation sigh very deeply.
5.12 PM
Some of the housemates are in the bedroom. Sylvia is keeping it real by hiding two packets of biscuits and Mikey’s cane in the walk in wardrobe. Rex, Kathreya, Mohammed and Mohammed’s hair are in the ashtray talking. Mohammed, who is smoking a cigarette while drinking a can of lager, and wearing a Basque and high heels, is complaining that there is not enough Halal meat left in the house, and how because of this he feels he is betraying his Muslim beliefs. Kathreya tells Mohammed that she knows exactly how he feels as she is already eaten her last cookie, and how her tummy is lumbling velly noisily, and that she is velly velly hungly. Rex tells him them both not to worry as he is an accomplished chef who over the years has prepared meals for thousands of different people, and how the shopping list he ordered earlier in the week will be perfectly adequate to cover the housemates varying food requirements.
5.15 PM
Rex is in the storeroom checking if there are any fruit and vegetables left behind the 17 sacks of Tarragon and Rosemary he ordered earlier in the week. Luke, who has been watching from the doorway, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Mario and Lisa exactly what has been going on.
6.10 PM
All of the housemates have been gathered together. Big Brother has instructed the housemates to give the house a thorough spring cleaning as certain health and safety issues have come to light that urgently need attending to. As Mario nods his head in agreement and the rest of the housemates start moaning and groaning. Rachel grabs her umbrella and announces that they are not to worry as a thorough spring cleaning can be jolly good fun, and begins singing a rousing version of "A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down." as she and the other housemates move around the house, singing and dancing, and watching the contents of each room magically come to life and tidy themselves away in the cupboards.
7.03 PM
Rachel is in the kitchen mopping the floor while singing a rousing version of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! when Mario, Lisa and Mikey enter from the garden. Lisa is massaging Mario’s ego as Mario tells Rachel that she needs to leave the kitchen as Mikey is hungry, and as Mikey is hungry he needs to be fed immediately as blind people are special and need to be treated differently from everybody else. Mikey thanks Mario and Lisa for their support during his stay in the house, telling them that he feels a lot safer knowing they are around. Before slipping on the recently mopped floor, flying ar$e over t1t, and banging his head firmly against the oven door. Luke, who has been watching from the garden, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Darnell and Kathreya exactly what has been going on.
7.25 PM.
Some of the housemates are in the lounge. Mohammed is in the garden eating 4 pieces of toast while combing his hair with a pitchfork. Kathreya is in the diary room talking to Big Brother. Kathreya is telling Big Brother how nice everybody is, and how nice it is to be in the house with all her very nice new friends as they are all very nice people who she likes very much. Big Brother asks Kathreya if there is anybody in the house that she doesn’t think is nice? Kathreya tells Big Brother, no, no, no, and that
although Mohammed eat too much food, Wex is too bossy and Dennis spit on Mohammed, at least he spit in a nice way, as deep down inside they are all velly nice people, who she like to love for long
time for only five American dollar.
Kathreya has been in the diary room telling Big Brother how nice everybody is for the past 1 hour and 45 minutes.
8.14 PM.
Luke and Rebecca are in the garden. Luke is mincing around the pool while screaming “She touched me on the bottom, she touched me on the bottom” after Rebecca accidentally touched Luke on the leg 17 minutes ago. Sylvia, Stuart and Dale are in the bedroom talking. Sylvia is keeping it real by vigorously massaging Stuarts muscular torso while straddling his waist in just her underwear. Sylvia is telling Stuart and Dale about how much Mohammed fancies her, and how he came onto her in the bathroom by offering her a taste of his Halal meat while he was eating a burger in the shower. Dale immediately gets lairy, and tells Sylvia and Stuart that he is off to tell Mohammed exactly what he thinks of him before storming out of the room. Sylvia then tells Stuart how offended she was by Mohammed’s comments, as she has a boyfriend in the outside world and she would never dream of betraying him by flirting with any of the housemates. Stuart agrees and tells her she has nothing to worry about as she hasn’t done anything wrong, before asking Sylvia if she wouldn’t mind removing her hand from his penis as he doesn’t feel comfortable being masturbated on national TV.
9.55 PM.
Dale is hiding in the walk in wardrobe after discovering that Darnell wanted a quiet word with him 38 minutes ago. All of the other housemates have been gathered in the lounge. Mikey is sat on the sofa picking his nose with a spoon when Davina announces that Sylvia is the second person to be evicted from the Big Brother house. As Darnell begins moving menacingly around the room shouting “Damned right, because lying is wrong, lying is wrong,“ Sylvia and Jennifer uncontrollably burst into tears for the cameras, and begin beating the ground in frustration at the injustice of it all. While Mohammed and Rex high five each other and smugly congratulate themselves on a job well done.
11.30 PM
Sylvia has been evicted from the Big Brother house. Luke, who earlier in the week nominated Sylvia, is telling everybody how staggered he is that Sylvia has been evicted as she was such a nice person and his sixth best friend in the house, and how he hopes that everybody who nominated her are proud of themselves as she didn’t deserve to go. Mario is in the diary room talking to Big Brother about last nights incident. Mario is telling Big Brother not to worry about further disagreements, as he is a people person, who in the outside world managed over 500 employees and how he is there to facilitate their needs. Mario then goes on to tell Big Brother about a potential health and safety issue in the garden, and asks Big Brother to immediately drain the pool and erect a safety barrier, as Mikey is blind, and as Mikey is blind he is in constant danger falling in and drowning himself while walking around the garden.
01.45 AM
Most of the housemates are in bed. Mikey is lying unconscious in the garden after accidentally tripping over the safety barrier and banging his head at the bottom of the pool. Luke, who has been watching from the lounge, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Rex and Mohammed exactly what has been going on.
02.12 AM
Most of the housemates are asleep. Mario and Lisa are in the bathroom. Mario is deflating Lisa by slowly squeezing the air out of her while continually winking at the camera. Mario has been deflating Lisa while continually winking at the camera for 17 minutes. Darnell, Dale and Stuart are in the lounge talking. Darnell is holding Stuart against the wall with one hand while repeatedly banging Dale’s head against the coffee table with the other, while continually shouting “Damned right, because violence is wrong, violence is wrong.” Luke, who has been watching from the kitchen, is standing with his arms folded, tut tutting and shaking his head in a disapproving manner before rushing off to tell Big Brother exactly what has been going on.
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