January 1st
Well Christmas is over and the new year is already upon us. I was given a new diary as a present from Lisa this year ( I bought her a set of weights and eyelash extensions ) She told me that I should write in my new diary as often as my hectic schedule will allow. So that generations from now people will be able to fully appreciate how much I have contributed towards today’s society. I told her it was a pity she didn’t buy it back in 2006 as I could have wrote about my appearance on Ant and Dec’s Saturday night Takeaway where I was watched by over 13 million viewers. She just laughed and told me that I could still write about it if I wanted to. She has a brilliant sense of humour my Lisa.
In the end I told her I probably wouldn’t bother, as in my opinion my appearance on Ant and Dec’s Saturday night Takeaway where I was watched by over 13 million viewers was in the past and the diary should be all about my achievements in the future. Lisa agreed, and we both decided that it was best not to mention it in case it appeared boastful. As despite my successful 20 year career in the Post Office and my recent adventures into the world of celebrity, I’m a very down to earth person, and hopefully I will be able to keep my feet on the ground for many years to come.
Updated my facebook profile and added two new friends. Applied to go on Countdown.
January 8th
Today Lisa and I spent most of the morning exercising in the garden. We had been out there just over an hour when I noticed Jack from next door watching us curiously from his kitchen window. Naturally I assumed he was impressed by my physique and fitness levels. So once we had finished I went over and I explained to him about how vital it is to exercise daily to maintain a healthy heart and mind, and how if he wanted I could provide him with a regular work out schedule to help get his body back into shape. He told me he wasn’t interested in a work out schedule, and that he had just been wondering why Lisa and I hadn’t waited until it had stopped snowing. In the end I just made him a cup of tea and gave him a signed photo, and he seemed happy enough. He just laughed and told me he would add it his collection before telling me to leave.
Bless him, Jack may be 87 but he still has a brilliant sense of humour.
Updated my facebook profile and requested to become friends with Antony McPartlin. Applied to go on Deal or no Deal.
January 15th
I thought that somebody was going to ask for my autograph today, but it turned out to be just a young girl trying to attract the attention of her friend Maria, who was standing next to me in the vegetable aisle in Tesco’s by shouting out “Maria, is that you?“ In a very loud voice. It was an easy mistake to make, especially in the hustle and bustle of a busy supermarket so I didn’t really mind. Although the two girls completely failed to see the funny side when I tried to explain to them about the case of mistaken identity, and how because I’ve appeared on the television and have quite a large fan base in the area, I had naturally assumed she had recognised me. I think they just thought I was some kind of pervert. While I freely admit that shopping in just a pair of shorts is quite unusual, especially during the height of winter, to me it’s all about comfort and convenience. In the end the two girls became so abusive that I tried to calm things down by offering them each a signed photograph. However that just seemed to make things worse and unfortunately I had to have them both removed from the store, as in my opinion they were fast becoming a danger to the health and safety of other Tesco users.
Eventually after being apologised to by the manager I was able to finish my shopping in peace. And I was amazed to discover that once again the amount of money Lisa had given me matched perfectly with the cost of the items on her shopping list. that’s 2 weeks in a row now. She’s very good at that sort of thing my Lisa.
Updated my facebook profile and requested to become friends with Declan Donnelly. Applied to go on Celebrity Family Fortunes.
January 18th
After watching Rocky 2 on DVD again last night. I woke up his morning and felt inspired to go for a bit of a jog round the neighbourhood. It was a pleasant enough run all in all, although I was a little disappointed that despite my encouragement none of the local children were willing to jog along behind me. I can only assume that children these days are more interested in playing with their Nintendo’s than following the examples of an inspirational role model.
Then, later in the day. Lisa and I had just settled down to supper while listening to the news on the local radio, when we heard a report that a large group of teenagers were brawling outside “The Cock Inn Dog” in the town centre. So Lisa made me a flask, and without a thought for my own safety I leapt into my Grand Cherokee Jeep and sped to the scene to offer my assistance. In the end though it was a completely wasted journey, as the police seemed to have everything under control by the time I arrived. However despite my disappointment the officer in charge thanked me for my vigilance before sending me on my way. He even joked that if there were any other outbreaks of violence in the area I would be the first person they would call. Bless him, he may have a thankless job but it was good to see he had managed to retain a brilliant sense of humour. Although I’m not sure how he is going to contact me as in the excitement he must have forgotten to ask for my number. Still, as Lisa said I can always drop it around the station in the morning.
Updated my facebook profile and requested to become friends with Noel Edmonds. Applied to go on The X Factor.
January 23rd
Took the dog for a walk this morning and I was pleasantly surprised to be asked for an autograph by a little old lady who was waiting at the bus stop near the tanning salon. She said she couldn’t believe she had actually met me in person and asked me when I was going to be on the telly again. I joked that I would be back on the telly as soon as Ant and Dec replied to one of my letters. She laughed and told me I had a brilliant sense of humour before asking me if I was going to be making anymore Rocky films. Bless, the poor old girl was obviously a bit confused, which probably explained why she was waiting at the bus stop in just her nightie and slippers during a thunderstorm. Still, It’s meeting fans like this that really makes my day. So I gave her a signed photo and a peppermint and carried on with my walk. She would probably tell all her friends about how she’d met me once she got home. As i would tell Lisa.
Updated my facebook profile and added 1 new friend. Applied to go on Bargain Hunt.
January 30th
Lisa and I drove down to the city centre today to do a bit of shopping. I really enjoy going into the city as it gives me an opportunity to meet and greet the public, and as Lisa is always reminding me, it‘s important not to forget the little people on the way up. After we had finished I was standing outside the public facilities while Lisa went to fetch the Grand Jeep Cherokee, when I noticed a little old man in a wheelchair waiting patiently near the side of the road for a break in the traffic. Naturally I approached him and offered to be of assistance. Unfortunately the man was deaf and dumb and although I had always assumed I would be able to understand sign language, I just couldn’t comprehend a word he was saying. So eventually I just told him in a very loud voice that he was not to worry, before wheeling him safely across to the other side. Bless, the old man was so grateful that he immediately burst into tears and began frantically waving his arms around to thank me, but I just told him there was no need before giving him a signed photo and sending him happily on his way.
Later, as Lisa and I were driving home we heard a news report about an old man going missing in the city centre. Apparently his daughter had popped in to use the public facilities and when she returned just two minutes later the man had completely disappeared. It really saddens me when I hear stories like that so I told Lisa to immediately turn the Grand Jeep Cherokee around and take me back into the city to help with the search, but Lisa told me, no. she said that I cant possibly help everyone no matter how hard I try or how good my intentions are. I suppose she’s right really. After all, there is only so much that anybody can do to help, even the likes of me.
Updated my facebook profile. Applied to become friends with David Dickinson.
