You`re so vain!

So another week of Big Brother finally comes to an end. A week that started off badly for the wannabees, with yet another failed task. Though to be fair, how anybody could have expected the housemates to stay awake for 60 hours is completely beyond belief. Especially with Rip Van Laura, rallying the troops into giving up, and going back to bed, only moments after the task instructions had been delivered.

I mean 60 hours! Come on Big brother, what on earth were you thinking? Laura needs that many hours sleep every day! The poor girl complains of sleep deprivation, when she is asked to get out of bed once a week for the nominations.

Lets be honest, if it wasn’t for her regular forays to the fridge, scavenging for food, like an angry Welsh Grizzly stocking up for hibernation, Laura would rarely be seen vertical.

Then at last, after row upon row, the week finally finished on a high, with this series very first double eviction. Yes, Billi and his nose have finally gone. A man so vain he remains the only person in Britain to have his sunglasses mirrored on the inside.

I can't really say I'm sorry to see the back of Billi. There was just something not quite right about the man.

Maybe it was his technique of slithering, half naked around the house, like a cross between Gollum and Pinocchio, whispering into peoples ears about what a bitch Charley was? Or maybe it was the lizard like way, he could go for hours without ever blinking, and when he did it was usually sideways. Somehow the word "creepy" just doesn`t do Billi justice.

Still, at least now he has been evicted he can rest assured that his modeling career will finally take off. I hear Vicks Nasal Spray are already thinking of making him their new pin up boy.

The only downside I can see to Billi`s eviction is that charley will no longer have anybody decent to row with. Billi may have been the most effeminate straight man in the history of Big Brother, but at least he had balls, even if they were scented and shaven into the shape of a love heart, and he always gave as good as he got with Charley.

Who on earth will she be able to argue with now?

Ziggy and Chanelle would appear to be the two most likely candidates. Though neither of them are any match for Charley once she gets up a full head of steam. To be fair Ziggy has been making more of an effort to stand up for himself recently. Though once Charley enters full ranting mode, Ziggy usually just stares at her completely bewildered. Like a startled, floppy haired lamb, caught in the headlights of a fast moving truck, waiting for itself to get slaughtered.

To begin with I didn’t really like Charley very much, but rather like Nikki last year, the person who I found the most annoying during the first week has actually grown to become my favourite housemate.

True, much like Nikki last year, if I ever met the girl in person I would be sorely tempted to hit her repeatedly around the head with a large house brick, while telling her to shut the f$$k up! But there is no denying that as far as value for money goes; there is nobody else in the house that even comes close.

It’s no wonder Big Brother are doing everything in their power to keep her in, if Charley were to be evicted what would we have left to entertain us during the rest of the summer?

Carole, and her ever-increasing towel, and Jonathon fixations?

Jerry, and his creepy homosexual anecdotes, while stroking his little bear in full view of the cameras?

The non-existent love affairs, between Ziggy and Chanelle, and Liam and Nicky?

Tracey, the walking talking doll?

I am convinced somebody just pulls Tracey`s cord every morning, and points her in the direction of the smoking area, while she continually spouts a series of pre programmed catchphrases, like “Proper avin it!” “Just deal with it man!” and “Has anybody seen my hair straighteners?”

No, if Charley were to leave, all that would be left to entertain us, would be The Twins and Brian’s erections.

I do actually like Brian. He may be so stupid that even Jade Goody accuses him of being a thick tw$t, but at least he appears to be genuine. Unless of course you were to ask him about his age?

19 years old? Who on earth does he think he's fooling? There is about as much chance of Brian being 19 than there is of Laura being crowned the Welsh slimmer of the year, or of Tree Surgeon Liam showing Nicky his wood, and asking her to perform a delicate operation.

But aside from that blatant lie, Brian’s honesty should see him go far. I don’t think I could imagine Jonathon or Liam, or Gerry or Ziggy, waking up in the morning and announcing to the rest of the house that they had just wet the bed.

Not that you could really blame Brian for his little accident. Forced to spend a night in a caravan with Charley, not only would I have wet the bed, I would have probably emptied my bowels as well.

Which leaves us with Sam and Amanda, the psychopathetic, all singing, all dancing twins. Was anybody actually surprised to see them pass the telepathy task? Surely if two people share the same brain cell they are bound to know what each other are thinking?

I do like the twins, and for purely personal reasons I really do hope they make it to the final week. After all it’s a lot easier to fantasise about people when you are watching them on the television every night. I have even composed them a couple of little songs, just in case they actually win Big Brother, and wish to thank me in person for my undying support.
They go something like this,

We're the Twins,
We're very rich,
We want to make a Frasier sandwich!

Or how about?

we`re the Twins,
And we`re simple,
We want to play with Frasiers winkle!


Ahem! I’ll get my coat!